I’m at your grave

I’m at your grave

I’m sitting at your grave right now. The sun is warm and the breeze feels nice. So many sounds of construction and yard work around me while a crow let's me know he’s here too. It’s odd, sitting here. Every time I come some other neighhour has been added to the row. It makes me sad, because I know there are more people who, like us, have to experience loss. Have lost their loved one, have to feel grief.

Tears run down my cheek. I parked my car over by Co-op this time and as walked here I could feel them swelling and welling up. It's weird. I feel it in my throat and in my gut and in my heart. I haven't cried about you for a while, but that doesn’t make the heartbreak less intense. Sometimes I feel guilty when there are no tears, but girl, the lack of tears doesn't mean I no longer miss you. I almost think the missing becomes deeper as time passes.

You should have turned 27 this weekend. That would have been according to my plan, you know, the ‘grow old together’ kind of thing; and here I am sitting at your grave. That isnt right, that shouldn't be. I always find the solitude, the respect, the solemness of a cemetery quite comforting, peaceful, and at the same time this place is so empty or something. Most people don’t come here for fun. Then the other time I was here I saw a lady working out between headstones and I nearly walked up to her. You know me - I'm kind of chicken, but honestly I had to tell you. I can’t believe people have the audacity to do something like that.

I was gonna say I'm glad you're here. In this grave. But you really aren’t here. It's just a casket with what remains of your body and a pretty headstone on top. You know we got your verse, our verse, put on it?! It is such a great reminder that the Lord’s strength is what carries us, what's perfect in our brokenness if we commit to him and that it's only by his grace. But that grace is so sufficient, so abundant for me in my weakness and you in yours. It is what saved us and holds us and makes you be able to be with God in heaven now. And we, we to get to live with the Lord but here on earth. What a blessing and such amazing grace that we get to abide with the Lord and that He never leaves us and He never changes. It blows my mind that we get to be with Him in heaven and I'm actually a little lot jealous you already get to be there.

This world has been quite the gongshow lately. The craziest things have been happening, I'm not getting into them but you'd have a fit if you heard about all the jazz going on. I know you would have your opinions but you’d also have been without work and youth and friends for months and months because of covid and I'm just so glad you dont have to experience all that. This would break you girl, and yet you’d remain positive and think of way to hug people even though we are told we can’t.

There is so much going on and I wish we could talk. I'd ask you your views and listen to your rants. We’d message back and forth and try to wrap our heads around this.

I mean, the world situation is nuts and I'm not minimizing that. Really though, we were told from the beginning that by choosing to eat (goodness, I just realized even Eve liked food!) - we made a choice that life wouldn't be easy. We wouldn't forever walk with God in the garden and the Lord could no longer say “and it was very good”. We, as humanity, messed up big time. And until this day we live with the effects of that choice so long ago. The effects are diseases like cancer and viruses like covid. It’s crime and violence and hatred. It's people blowing each other up and selfish gain being priority over the whole. It's the loss of community and family units. It's broken relationships and abuse. And yet there is some hope. Lots of hope. You knew it. I know it. And you shared it when you were here and even in the story of your battle with NUTs and death, even then you stood triumphant. How? Because you lived and relished in God’s grace and shared his power and might and victory. Not just a few, you shared with everyone so that they too would know His strength. God used you to plant so many seeds and that was your task. And you did, often with joy and a smile. Honestly, you weren‘t perfect but your smile and joy and genuine care and love for people is what I hear about. You cared girl. And your youth, your friends, clients, co-workers, co-leaders, everyone who knew you knows that still. I believe it's a testimony in itself and those seeds you sowed and showed, God will give the increase.

So as I sit here, my tears dry now, and my cheeks salty, I just am so thankful for the years we had together. For the time I got to have with you and for the life you lived here on earth. I am thankful for the beautiful woman you are and were and that I know that you are with the Lord. Thank you, for being your bouncy, crazily excited you, for being the non-communicating listener, my loudest cheerleader and my truest friend. I miss you dear sister but oh am I ever glad that the lord had you Home and that we have that comfort. Looking forward to being reunited one point in eternity but until then I will continue to tell your story, continue loving you my dear, and all who know me know I have a little sister and she's with Jesus.

To God be the glory!

I'm moving to The Netherlands soon here, and this will be the last time I can visit your gravesite for a while. I mean, you don’t notice I'm here probably - but that's fine! This is a pretty special place.

Ps. took my birks off and just chilling here with my sunnies and soaking up the rays. You would do the same.

And another thing. You’re beside a police officer and across the path is a large army vehicle. One of the kids trusted that you’d at least be safe in this spot.

blessed with family near and far; blood and not.

Partir, c'est mourir un peu.

Partir, c’est mourir un peu,     /   To go away is to die a little,

C’est mourir à ce qu’on aime:    /   It is to die to that which one loves:

On laisse un peu de soi-même    /   Everywhere and always,

En toute heure at tout lieu.   /    One leaves behind a part of oneself.

C’est toujours le deuil d’un vœu,   /   It is always the mourning of wishes

Le dernier vers d’un poème;   /   The last verse of a poem

Partir, c’est mourir un peu.   /  To go away is to die a little.

Et l’on part, et c’est un jeu,   /    And one leaves, and it's a game,

Et jusqu’à l’adieu suprême     /    And until the final farewell

C’est son âme que l’on sème,   /   It is one's soul that one scatters,

Que l’on sème à chaque adieu / That one scattters with each farewell

Partir, c’est mourir un peu.   /   To go away is to die a little.

~ Edmond Haraucourt ~1856-1941 ~

 The last few days the title of this poem has been on my mind. Perhaps because my mom said it on Friday when I'd just said the see-you's to my lovely family who were going to their home in Nederland."Partir, c'est mourir un peu." The more I live the more I go. The more I go the more I meet. The more I meet the more I leave. The more I leave the more I die. It is reality, nothing shall change this fact. Over the last couple of years I have wondered if I leave more than others do, if I die more than others do. Okay - I know it is a little dying - a little mourning, but still it is...
Mourir and mourning - it looks to me that the French and the English have the same root - one is dying the other is a sorrow, a pain that comes with leaving something behind and having to let go. Death of someone you love is painful - you have to let go - they are no more and there is an emptiness. I remember clearly when my grandparents passed away. Opas and omas are supposed to be there, they're your parents' parents and they belong; they're family; they are related; they are yours. And then they're gone, they're seat empty, their voice silenced, their step stopped. Then you realize what you miss. No more can you get a hug or kiss, no more phone calls or visits. No more grandparent. Only the memories, the part that lives on in us - where a little of them has scattered into our own lives.

Mourir sounds so tragic. So big. So deafening. Mourir it is so harsh and so final. It is the end. And yet...

The first time I really remember saying goodbye was when we moved to Canada. It was Nov. 2004 and I was 13. A teenager being 'transplanted' to another part of the world. Awful. My sisters didn't help me any (and I didn't help them either), as we all 'hated' Canada and everything that had to do with it. Plus we were leaving ALL our family and friends behind. We were leaving everything we knew in Holland and moving to a place we only knew from maps, stories and our geography books - to a place where we knew NOTHING. That flight across the Atlantic was long, very long. I felt empty inside. I cried until the tears couldn't roll anymore. I sniffed until I couldn't feel any more. I thought and broke inside. I - or what I knew was 'I' - was left behind, on the other side. My life had just ended. Mourir. There was no more to do than to start over. It felt like my being was still on the other side. On laisse un peu de soi-même/En toute heure at tout lieu.

Over the next months it seemed like slowly the life was breathed back into me... that which was scattered before started to 'seed' and germinate once again, but also new things started to grow. New relationships and experiences added to the at once so somber colour scheme, slowly adding more happiness.

There are the small farewells in life. The 'see you tomorrow's and the 'bye's we say on the phone. Then there are the bigger farewells when we tell the other we hope to see them soon or know it will be in a week or two. There are also the farewells that are long term. They are goodbyes that feel like the end. The goodbyes that leave you empty and weak, wobbly and alone. It is those goodbyes, those farewells, those leavings that leave me deep in thought so often. The same are they that make me feel that I have left part of who I am behind, or have given it away - scattered it. Part of me goes with them that leave me, or part of me stays in the place that I leave.

It is hard, very hard. 

 

I left Holland for Canada. 

I left my school for another, for another, for another, for another, for another.
I left my grandparent, and another, and another.
I left my friend and another and another and more yet.
I left my brother, a sister, a mother, a father.
I left my family,

I left my home, my abode, my comfort zone for another.

I left my life to find it a new. 

I died a little with each leaving; part of me scattered over there, with you, with them, or right here. Scattered - for you to enjoy and perhaps to remember me by. Scattered because such is life. Scattered because that is life. Scattered because that is how things happen. 

You come; you go. You live; you die. You sow; you harvest. You live; you grow. You hurt; you heal. You cry; you laugh. You embrace; you let go. You break down; you build up. You mourn; you dance. You throw things away; you gather them. You seek; you find; you lose; you seek. You keep; you throw out. You tear; you sew. You hate; you love. You are silent; you speak. You are at war; you are at peace.  (Eccl. 3)

You don't know; you go to He Who knows. 

I don't get it, never have and doubt I ever will. But know that partirs are part of my life (and of yours too). Just because I have lived in multiple places far from each other I have friends and family - loved ones - who I can't just visit and embrace. Those same lovely people I see only for a time. Like when my family was over from the Netherlands this past month I embraced and cherished those moments. Then they left and I had to let go. When I am in Alberta for the summer months I try to live it up - I dance and gather and laugh and love and live and grow. Then when Fall comes I have to let go, mourn a little, hurt a little, cry a little, seek a little, tear a little, hate a little, only to go right back to dancing, gathering, laughing, loving, living, and growing. Just to do it over and over again. To you it may seem like a cycle - never ending and always always going. A game perhaps? because it certainly feels like un jeu sometimes That is exactly how it is - we live and part of life is letting go or leaving or partir. Part of life searching for where you belong and while you're searching you're finding where you don't belong and letting things go. While you live you leave and while you leave you die a little. 

It's painful. When you say your 'see you's and you don't know when that see you will be (but know it won't be anytime soon). It is painful when you have loved from closeby and have to let that go only to do it over a long distance. It is painful when you have to let go and let the other's live on - knowing you're not there to live with them. It is like you're leaving yourself with them - and you can't live or something. Obviously that isn't true. I still have a lovely life to live right here when I am not with you - here where I am and you where you are. We're doing our things - separate and yet connected - but in different parts. We our living and remembering and cherishing that which we did have and that which we do have.

Each time we leave we die a little - because  a little of us goes with the others.

Each time I leave I die a little - because a part of me goes with you. So that you - whom I have met and then left - can live with a bit of me scattered in your life. 

There is indeed - a time and season for everything. And all things will be made beautiful in His time - even the 'mourir un peu's. What a comfort that God knows, and knows best. When I die He gives life (Ps 139). When I cry He dries my tears (Ps 22). When I am hurt He heals (Ps 30). When I am lost He guides me through (Ps 23). When I am in the dark He is the Light (Ps 119). When I feel alone He is with me (Ps 23). When I question He soothes (Ps 79). When I cry out He hears (Ps 37). When I am afraid He comforts (Ps 55). When I am wild He calms me (Ps 42). When I don't know I trust that He knows (Ps 46) and will never leave. (Heb. 13)

My prayer then is may God be with you till we meet again!

it has been a while

It's been a while. A long while. For months now I have not written. OK that is not completely true, I have written lots, but mostly papers. Papers are different than writing here, where it is just a random thought train put into words. Papers are different and far more exhausting to write. I have written so many papers already this semester and I know there are many more papers to come. Just this week there are 5. It's okay, I will live. I did chose English as my major because I do enjoy reading and writing very much. But five papers in one week is just a bit much. For that exact reason I have not posted.
Even though I have 5 papers due this week, I am taking some time here. To write the random thoughts I have down, and to perhaps get some order in my brain, to give my mind some space, some room to think academic thoughts that correspond with the papers I need to write.

So first this.
It has been a while. Since things have just gone 'easy'. The last months have been far from easy. It has been difficult this semester to be away from 'home'. For the first time have I experienced real homesickness and felt so down. It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well, the weather was grey and gloomy, and I just wasn't feeling up to doing the things I am called to. Real homesickness is different than just missing home. Homesickness is more like a pain in your heart, an emptiness, a soreness, a cry for love, a searching for belonging, a desire to just be. When you can't, or feel like you can't have those things you may experience homesickness. I don't think there are words to describe such thoughts.
To be honest; that is exactly the reason why I haven't written on this blog, or anywhere else; I have kept contact to a minimum. I have been silly. I thought that by 'breaking' those contacts or at least minimizing it I'd feel better. I knew that IF I would be vulnerable, it would be so much harder to pick up the pieces. I knew that if I'd even talk to people I'd probably break down and fall apart. And because I don't want to be vulnerable all the time, and just want to appear strong I avoided thinking, writing, talking, and communicating these feelings.
And it failed. I realized that a while ago already. I failed. I can't take care of myself. Strength does not mean standing alone and figuring things out by yourself. Strength is often in the times when we are most vulnerable. When we realize who we are, how we are called to be, and do something about it. Strength is realizing how we called to live as one body, to be with others, share each others burden. Strength is admitting you can't stand alone.
Part of the reason why these last months have been so tough is because I have been trying so hard to stand alone, to be independent, not just from family and friends, but to not depend or anything or anyone, including God. It was a battle. I knew I wanted to follow Jesus and knew that I am called to do this. I knew that I wanted to be 'Christian' and knew that I wanted to want Jesus completely in my life. And guess what, without God in your life you cant have God in your life. When I'm pushing away everything and everyone and isolating myself it isn't going to work. I'm not going to be happy and am going to fall away, fall short, fall flat on my face.

To experience then, in those moments of pure stubbornness how God wants me to dependent on is crazy. When I hear Christ knocking on the door of my heart, and feel His arms around me I am encouraged and want to answer. But when this is simultaneous with the strong grip of sin and Satan on my life, it is like a tug-a-war in my soul. My soul is torn in two, trying to live two lives, to serve to masters. And that fails. God Himself says one cannot serve two masters! So what am I trying to do here!?! Just being dumb. Being human.

It was then that I felt spiritual warfare. Satan became more and more evident in my life. Satan was everywhere. It scared me so much. I don't think I have ever felt so torn, so confused, so scared, so dark and cold. I don't think I have ever felt so alone. Where as God?

Ever heard of God being the Faithful one?
Well I tell ya - He sure is faithful. I can hardly explain how this was. While I was being so dumb and trying to rule my own life, following Satan's most deceiving voice God was right here. He held me in His hand, He carried me like I have never been carried before. He surrounded me with love, and continually revealed Himself in the most mysterious ways. He opened my eyes, and invited me again and again into His presence. It was the most wonderful. He protected me, and called me to Him.
Faithful. Forever faithful.
Only through Him have I been able to get through these hectic crazy busy months. Only through Him do I live. Only by His strength can I stand. Only by His grace am I made strong. For His faith is sufficient for me, and in Him my weakness is made strong. Only by His work in me and His love for me, His caring for me and me being His daughter am I never alone, never am I alone, because He never leaves me. He never stops loving. My faithful God and Father helped me through this tough time.

Only because He came. To save me. To work in me. To strengthen me in my weakness. He is leading the way, because He is the Way...!

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and 

protect you from the evil one."

~2 Thes. 3:3 ~

jumble jumble

I don't even know where to start. My last blog was written just weeks after I returned back to Alberta, back in the Spring. Now the Summer break is just about over. Four months at home flew by and I can hardly believe that school is just around the corner. In less than two weeks I fly back to Ontario and then my life will start again. That's not true either - I have been living here too and my life continues here as well. It didn't all of it sudden stop and I have to pick it up again once I arrive at the airport. It isn't true and I know it.
The last four months have been good. Really good. It is so good to be home and the amount of time I get to spend with my family is absolutely wonderful. I get to know my family better, get to hang out with my siblings. Laugh together, cry together, re-minis(?) together and think together. The last four months weren't always easy though. I tried a couple of different jobs, and failed at some. I worked hard and made little money. Worked lots. Broke down. Gone broke - that's not true but it sure feels that way.

Back in April I wrote a blogpost about how I wasn't worried. Just before I started typing this post I read back on some of my other entries. I was amazed to read and to be reminded that I wasn't worried at the time. I had no money. NO MONEY AT ALL. Yet I wasn't worried. I also had no job lined up and was not worried. I am amazed that God gave me such a peace in that situation. I look back and am almost in awe. Unbelieving. I pray that God will once again give me that peace. I know that one thing I must do though in order to get peace is to trust God. To commit my ways to Him. To lay all my cares before Him and He will give me peace. He has promised to provide for His children and has promised to care for us.
And yet right now I feel no peace.
I've made money this summer but feel that it isn't enough. I AM worried. I made money this summer but I am scared that I won't get through this coming school year. I am worried. And know that it is a lack of trust. God provided me with several jobs this summer. When one didn't work out after two and a half months God had already given me another job (WOW!! :D)! Looking back I again stand amazed by His provisions for me. In my life. In this time of need. In this time of distrust.

I stand amazed that God gives me all that I need. And then I realize that I am not trusting. He gives I take and then walk away wanting to provide for myself. I want to find my own job. Find my own money. Find my own way. I WANT MY WAY or the 'highway'. But why am I not searching for the way of the most High!? Doesn't He know best?! He knows where the money for this coming school year is going to come from. He knows exactly where very penny is going to go. And He knows that He will help me through. The High priest knows the Way and I just have to follow. Since I've decided to follow Jesus I should just do that. I try. I really do. Some days I just don't feel like following. I want to take charge. I want to do my thing and forget about everyone else. Who gives a beep?!

The Lord continues to be faithful though. His provisions are way above my expectations. He gives. He gives. And He also takes away. And when He does the latter I get angry. Frustrated and confused. My thoughts go wild and one thing I think is: 'I knew I should have been more in control of my life' It is in those moments of wild thoughts that I lose focus. I quit following. Forget it! I forget it. I forget Whom I've given my life. I forget that He wants to help me. I forget that He's in control and He knows best. Because I think I know best. Because I just want to help my self and take lead and be in control and own my own life. I'm so selfish and it makes me sick.

It's happened several times now. That I am extremely unmotivated and am sick and tired of myself. So if I've told you that I've felt unmotivated know that it is because of that. I am sick and tired of myself. Being disobedient. Sick of what I want - being in control - and tired of my attitude of 'unwanting'. I am sick and tired of not living for God. Or seeing myself fail every second.
A while ago I was driving to town for work and felt so sad. So lost. So frustrated. Tears were burning in the tearducts. I felt like crying. Like giving up. Like calling in to work and saying I wasn't coming. I was sick of trying to pretend to be happy, sick of saying to people that I was doing good when they asked how I was doing. Sick of pasting on a smile that wasn't truly from the heart. I felt like crying because I knew I was failing.

Still now I feel that way sometimes. Quite often. I feel like that. I wonder why my summer was so useless. Why I felt so useless and unmotivated so often. Why God was leading me in the paths I've had to go this Summer. I still feel like crying. Like giving up.

God's carrying me. I don't know how to follow, so He picked me up, and is carrying me. Ain't I glad that when I am weak He is strong, and that He knows best. You betcha. I am so THANKFUL. Even though it is stinkin' hard!

~ excuse the jumbled wording. It's the way my brain is functioning right now. Jumble jumble ~

STUFF

Who hasn't heard of this 'new' hype?

While in university, okay I know that's less than three weeks ago, I was on Pinterest all the time. And now I knew why. I was trying to find things to do so that I didn't have to do homework, or didn't make time to do homework. I spend hours and hours on Pinterest, going from the Everything page, to the art, even the science pinboard. It started to really drive me crazy. Three weeks have gone past and I was bored tonight. So I thought, why not check out Pinterest. Many of the pins are of wedding-y stuff, of decorations for in the house and STUFF. STUFF that is driving me absolutely crazy. Coming home did that to me. I realized when I go here how much STUFF was still in my room. How much of that STUFF I had never even thought about during my 8 months away. It made me realize too how much STUFF of mine is stored in Ontario, and I can live without all that STUFF now. 

Pinterest is a place where STUFF, things are presented in such cool ways that STUFF doesn't give you the 'stuffy' feeling anymore. You just want it, you want more, more, more. Stuff to fill up every nook and cranny of your life. To make you want more, and to make you have more. And not just that. Stuff to make you jealous. At least thats what it does to me. I see pictures of beautiful places in the Caribbean and it makes me WANT to go there. I see 'how-tos' of the sweetest hairdo's and it makes me angry that I just know how to put a bobby pin and some mousse or a ponytail in. I see wedding pictures every other pin and I just want to plan my own big day. OKAY... You get the point. Im getting jealous with all the pins that pin cool STUFF that I cant have, I dont have, and dont need. Pins of STUFF i can live without, but want or think I need only because it is right there in front of my face.

So this stuffy website of Pinterest, which is a sweet distraction during times of study, can stay away for now... Byebye pinterest, go entertain someone else with all your STUFF! :s

...i'm not sure i'd consider it a fun reminder...

time's running out...

I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

~Forgive Me - Group 1 Crew~

This fall Megan, one of the beautiful people in my dorm this year, gave me a CD she put together with the song Forgive Me on it. This song has really touched me in the last while especially. 

I am not afraid because God is holding my breath, but knowing that time is running out, knowing that the world will end soon and awaiting Christ's return, makes me fear that I have not enough time to tell the world that Christ wants to be found. Now. And I can be part of this witnessing, this Gospel work, this commission Christ called me too. I have the privilege to work in His Kingdom in more ways then one, and I often take them for granted, think very lightly of them.

I just want to go big, or go home. I want to go places very far away and do very big things. Like safe the world or something. But that's not really where I am called to right now. Perhaps later. Who knows. I am thankful though for the opportunities that I do have right now. God has given me an awesome opportunity here everyday of my life. To live. For Him. In all things to glorify Him. I have this wonderful position to be involved in the lives of many. And not only that, but to grow in so many ways through walking alongside people, and even more so walking with Jesus. He has walked with me in these last 8 months. Every.single.step. He was there! O wow! He led me every step of the way, and now I am here. Not the same person as 8 months ago. Grown so much. Learned so much. Stretched so much. And given so much. I have been so blessed! I don't even know where to start. Yet must remember to in all things thank Him. For His work and His love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and faithfulness towards me. I have been so blessed, and so often I complain. I find this hard.

How do I work in His Kingdom, how do I say I glorify Him all I do, while I complain? Sin? Don't trust? Get angry?

How does God give me the blessing and works in me again and again so that I dont have to be afraid? God has blessed me and made me grow, changed me and worked in me in so many ways, and why? Because He loves me!

Next school year, DV, I have the opportunity to work in the school among students, with students and for students, in God's Kingdom. I am so pumped.... and so very thankful that the Lord has put this on my path and led me here. I am so thankful that the Lord has given me this opportunity and a way in which I can learn, grow, and love Him, glorifying Him in all I do.

Remembering that time is running out, is scary. Especially since this semester is running out so quickly. Two exams left, and then going home. I am so excited. And yet it's weird. Time is running out here. My first year at Redeemer, 2nd year of post-secondary is done just about. Time is running out with people here, as some are leaving Redeemer for good. Time is running out. Not just at Redeemer. But for us in life.

We must remember, and live as if every day is our last. To the fullest! All for Him and for His glory. Witnessing and preaching to all nations, telling the world that there is no time left...!

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

~ Forgive Me - Group 1 Crew ~

YOU! GRR! (ME! GRR!)

I love being a student. 

I love doing projects.

I love learning material.

I love getting As.

I don't want to do it.

I don't feel like doing it.

I'm not in the mood.

I'm too lazy.

That is basically my story.
I have been in school for so long. Even with a year break while working. Every time again, as the last weeks come closer and I am almost done for the year I am sick and tired of working. Of learning. Of doing projects.

At those times I find whatever can distract me. That often involves some electronic device, like my cell phone or my laptop. Often it involves a website, or two, or three, or several windows with as many tabs as possible all open, and going back and forth. Often it involves social networking sites. I KEEP GOING BACK TO THOSE! :( It makes me sad and frustrates me. Every time again, when I am checking my Newsfeed and there is no Newsfeed I click away. Every time I want there to be a Newsfeed I check again. I sit there, clicking back and forth between pages. I check many pictures on Facebook. Look on your wall to see if there is something I can comment on, wait for you to change your status so that I can 'like' it. And OFTEN I GET ANNOYED. WITH MYSELF. WITH YOU! Because you are the one that is updating 24/7, or you're the one who doesn't update at all. I get annoyed with you because you are the one that keeps changing things that I have to check out, and because you have about a 20 albums full of pictures which I have to creep, of course, that is how I get to waste my time....

OKAY.. that was a major confession....!

Oh and wait. I update my own status a million times. With new silly goals. And post in groups to see if people have something to say.

It really isn't YOU whom I am getting annoyed with. I get annoyed with my attitude, with how I deal with things, and how dumb I am to procrastinate 24/7. Until the due date, until I have to rush through projects and hope that I get a decent mark. I get annoyed with me, every single time. And do not know how to fix it.

GET RID OF FACEBOOK PERHAPS!?

I'll find something else to spend time on, like Pinterest, or email, or blog, or organizing pictures, or cool websites, cool blogs, or a good book. I could write you a card or do my laundry, I could clean my room or wash the dishes. I could go work out or go for a walk. I could just sit around and talk to people. My homework will come another time, another minute, it won't run away from me.

Homework... I suck at doing homework.

can't I just do it later?!

And even after 16+ years of schooling I don't know how to do it!!!

Sad face :(

Maybe the title of this post should read....

ME! GRR! Okay... - I'll add it, in parentheses that is, so that I don't look so bad perhaps...)
Now, I really got to do some homework. I have half an hour until Starbucks closes; I can do 30 minutes of solid homework, after 2+ hrs of procrastination...!

~don't worry~

I'm a worrier. Not a warier, but a worrier. I know. I am. I worry too much. And it drives me crazy.

Just the other day I was thinking about what to do with my life. More like what to do with my life after this semester is over. More like where to work this summer. No I do not know where I will be working this summer. I do not know how I am going to get this or a job. That's a weird feeling. It's odd. I am not worried though. That has never - ever - happened! I am always worried, how come not now?!?!

What is going on? Even while thinking about next year, about next semester which starts come September, I was/am not worried. I thought for the longest time that maybe I wasn't supposed to go to Redeemer next semester. Maybe I should apply to another university. So I applied. I was kind of really confused as to where God was calling  me. But not worried. What? not worried? That's right. Not worried. I agree, the decision was difficult, first I had to choose if I should apply somewhere else, then if I did to which university I should apply. So I applied to university of Calgary. A great university I'm sure. I got accepted into both (I applied to two different undergrad programs) programs I applied to. It was great; I was accepted. Now I have decided to deny the offer of acceptance as they call it in fancy terms. That too was a hard decision to make. However, not near as hard as choosing to apply or not. So I denied their offer of acceptance. And I wasn't worried.. AHH! What was going on, why was I not worried? What was I doing wrong, I had never not been worried before?

Suddenly, just today while on the phone with a friend, I realized. It is God who gives me peace, who takes the worry from me. I had been able to put this whole application to Calgary process into His hands. Yes it was freaky, and I was scared like who knows what. But God helped me through this time of fear, and through the encouragement of many others around me, those far away and close by, I was led to Him. I was led and reminded to lay all my cares at His feet, and to trust that He will help me and take care of me. It wasn't easy, it was actually very difficult to trust Him and to let it go. And yes I was worried. Why? Because I, ME, likes to be in control. I like to control what I want to do. This time I wasn't in control, wasn't the one to rule this situation. (Wait, am I ever?) That's the weird part. I said before that it wasn't easy, but at the same time it was for that reason that why it was easy. In the whole process God has given me peace. It's strange I must say. I have never experienced peace like this before.

Telling my family that I am going to stay here for another year was difficult. I live far from my family and that is  not always easy. I would love to live closer to them, and they'd love to have me closer I am sure. However, that is not where God is calling me. He is not calling me to live in Alberta, He is not calling me to live in Calgary or to go to University there. He is calling me to go to Redeemer, to stay in Ancaster, to stay in Ontario. It is freaky to hear a calling that clearly. It is really freaky. It is freaky because it was so clearly confirmed to me like never before that I should stay here. (Questions and doubts soon came to me. Really does God call me? Why would He call me? Why was it so clear?) The confirmation God gave me was amazing; amazing as it came through a sense of peace. This sense of peace came over me, it washed over me, and gave me rest. Peace of mind, peace in my soul. It restored my soul. My whole being felt at peace, and I know that only the Prince of Peace can grant such peace which surpasses all my understanding.

Now, I am still unsure as to where to work this summer, and my summer is only 2.5 weeks away, it is a bit scary. However, I am not worried and I am at peace. I know that because God showed me the way and showed me where He desires me to be next semester, He opened this door to stay at Redeemer, He will keep this door open, and help me walk through it. He will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He will provide for me even though I do not understand how or when or through what means. I know He will provide, always, for those who are His children.

Who am I to say no, to not trust and not belief? Who am I to doubt? Who am I to not have faith in Him who cares even for the birdies and the insects, and they don't worry - so why should I?

Yes worry would be the most natural emotion (is it an emotion) to come over me, but it is not. Peace it what fills me. Peace it what washes over me. Not because of me, not because I understand this peace, but because the Prince of Peace lives in me, and He will provide! :D

That's why I am not worried....! 

And I feel fine! (Actually - I feel better than ever!)

GOD IS GOOD!

If you like here is a link to why I believe God led me here...

spring

It's truly Spring here. It has been for a while. But I always forget to share it with  you all. Also, in Alberta we were so often teased with Spring like weather to be surprised with another dump of snow. So I was unbelieving and didn't think Spring was actually here, so early, in the Eastern part of this country. It's beautiful. I LOVE sitting outdoors, with the sun shining and just chilling. I love just having a picnic on the green grass. I love seeing blossom and trees who start getting pretty fresh limegreen leaves. I love spring.

And now it is Easter weekend too. And Im sitting outside!

Yesterday I went to the Devil's Punch Bowl. Recommend it. Look over the city from the escarpment, with a cross lit up and the waterfall. Its gorgeous. Go there.

It was very fitting. As the cross stood on that hill in the distance I thought of the many songs talking about the cross. Good Friday. Christ died on the Cross.
The cross overlooks the city. Where so many people dwell. Where so many people who don't know Jesus live. And yet Jesus died for those people too. He died for us all. He died out of love for us. On the best Friday ever! He died for me too. And therefore I may live...

Also... I got to share this great experience with friends, with brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters I just met, and who are my family. Because we all have the same Father. What greater days can we have, than be with family praising God while in nature...!

GOD IS SO GOOD!

I Have Decided To Follow Jesus

There is no other explanation. I knew I could do nothing else. But to follow Jesus. In all areas of my life. Including in the most tough decisions I am to follow where Jesus leads me! I can't wait what He has planned next :D

why Ontario

I often get asked, 'why Ontario?'
Well to all those who don't know, I will let you know why Ontario. Actually I have no idea myself. I have absolutely no idea, do not know 'why Ontario' is the place I ended up. Don't know why I am now living close to one of the major cities in Canada, and living miles and miles away from family.

I had no idea, and yet I went, that may seem strange to you. It did to me too. God opened this door for me. He gave me this opportunity to go to Ontario. And not only that. I felt called again and again to go here. I denied this call. I ignored it. Many times. But knew I had to listen, had to follow, and answer this call.

Obedience is one of the may things that God calls us to. And through obedience we can and may praise God. I had never really felt this, and never really thought about obedience as a form of praise or worship. Just the other day however I was thinking about it. Talking to a great friend of mine who is about to make a huge transition and about to follow and obey. It will be hard for her too, and she doesn't know how. Obedience, that is the only thing that right now seems clear. That obedience is what brought me to Ontario. Okay that sounds ridiculous, I don't really know how else to say it. I didn't choose to come here. I didn't know how I could come here. I didn't know, especially when we were travelling East and when I just got to Ontario if I even wanted to be here. And yet knew I had to. That I couldn't say no, because this was just an OTHER BRIDGE I had to cross in order to get to the other side, to continue walking on the path that I'm taking. That bridge was scary. I sometimes think of this bridge as one of those bridges that is missing half the planks that go across. Where you're balancing and too afraid to look down because a wild river below you is going crazy and too scared to look back because you will loose your balance, and too scared to look ahead because you to go for so much longer. Too scared, and too afraid to look in any direction, yet knowing that you have to keep on going.

I guess I was able to cross that bridge. When I got to the other side, this side I guess, I had to learn and adjust in many ways. I didn't know why or how. But knew I had to. I couldn't say no.  Some  of the things I had to learn were more scary than the bridge I had had to cross. Some of the things I had to learn were much more difficult than crossing that bridge. One, and  maybe the most difficult, thing I had to learn was to face myself and my fears. To fight through and depend not on myself but on God. That with Him walking by my side I had been able to walk through life. With Him holding me above the water I crossed the river, with Him carrying me I had gone through the roughest patches in my life. Through trusting in the Lord and depending on Him I was able to cross the bridge of obedience. The bridge that brought me to Ontario. The bridge that changed my life forever. And the bridge that I continue crossing (if that is at all possible). 

So I cannot explain why I am in Ontario, except for that God called me here, and brought me here, across the most scary bridge He carried me.

One thing I learned is this...

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" ~John 8:36

And He has set me free!! :D

 

 

 

university

The other day I was thinking, and realized

• that I love a challenge
• that I love to learn new things
• and I love to be with people

Being in university can be challenging, I'm definitely learning, and I'm with people almost always.
What more could I ask for, I'm in the right place?

Soup

I realized I'm twenty.
And never yet have made soup.
So today I made soup.
From scratch.
All the way, with noodles and chicken etc.
It was so yummy :)

And the girls loved it.
And I was excited.
From now on I can not say that I have never
made soup.
Because I have.
And it was super fun!

the day I made a recipe book

For quite a few years I had been collecting recipes. Whenever I found a good recipe in a magazine I would rip it out and save it in a folder. Maybe my view of recipes is odd, but I tend to hoard them thinking I'll have time and money and need to make all the yummy things...
Back in Alberta I had this box with many file folders, one was exploding, so overfull of recipes. I was frustrated, could never find that one recipe and it was just annoying to have it in the basement in a box in a folder...

ugly black binder :(

Last August on one of Lianne (my sister) and my many ventures we ended up at Dollarama. Love the place! :D Everything is so cheap, and they have so much fun stuff. I was just looking for a cool binder, you know with a fun cover. Well they had none! It was August (*school starts soon!) and there were no fun binders. We were both frustrated. We just wanted a recipe binder. Was that too much to ask.

Lianne's pretty placemat

Okay, we'll just leave then, and go to Staples or something, buy a binder, you know, then we're set. Until will walked past the place- ''mats. *thanks mom, for teaching me to think of 'plan Bs', so that I don't give up when plan I doesn't work*. Light bulb moment... :D

ruler, Stanley knife to the rescue

 I now must thank my Mom. She is BRILLIANT. Super creative. And Lianne. Goodness she thinks logical. The two together, well let's just say they are excellent at problem solving. So I saw the place-mats and bought one, bought an ugly 1" binder, and went home. Kind of happy. Kind of not happy. Kind of excited, but already flustered by the up coming process of trying to make this recipe binder. Which probably would not turn out the way I had envisioned.

make the cuts (use binder cover page as 'stencil'

make sure you don't make it too wide, other wise the
'window' on the binder rips (or byebye binder)

cutting the spine was a little tricky, since it's so narrow (the
spine window did rip a bit on mine when I was putting
it in.. O well)

put all the pieces in the cover..

 When I went through all those steps, Lianne went through the same steps as I did, we both had our very own very unique recipe binder.
For a couple of nights Lianne was busy typing out the recipes while I made 'subject dividers'. I was trying to find some colour that worked with the black/white damask that I had for my cover. At our house we have lots of craft supply, and I found some orange cardstock!! :D Love CARDSTOCK! So I ended up using the orange, not sure what Lianne used.
We had bought some page covers at Dollarama also (I think I bought 10 packs of 10 (?) but had to go back to get more.

front pocket

cover page... :D (we always said awesome
pawsome...)

I'm bad, ran out of page protectors, and out of time
in the last while, that this is in the front pocket
and whole punched

one of many recipes in my binder..
I just realized I haven't made this yet. 

mainly chocolate and baking recipes
in this section

ongoing debate that COOKIES should
be called bakies because technically
they're not cooked but baked

breakfast recibpes like muffins etc

Some of the other divider pages are, in this order...
- BREAKY (breakfast is so cliché)                                  
- MIDEATS (lunch items etc.)
- ZUPPS (O common you can guess)
- INDULGENCCES
- MISC (Jam, syrup, applesauce etc.)
- BAKIES
- SWEET 'N' SALTY (baking/homemade breads, and the like)
- NIBBLE 'N' MUNCH (trailmix etc.)

It was lots of fun making these, and now my binder is almost too full. So what's we gonna do..?

Well I was at Dollarama again yesterday (There's 3 within 5minutes!! :) Don't worry I've only been a couple of times), and was looking for a cool black 2 inch binder, or perhaps 3 inch. Even if it were ugly, I'd be okay  with that. But they had none. I'll keep my eye out.

For more recipes. And a 'fatter' binder.

I just wanted to know...

"...And lead me not into temptation..."
~Matt. 6:13~

Okay. I've given up. 

Well not really. But have realized I should probably not go some places at some times. Yesterday, after work at three, I had to run a couple of errands. I could use some food, my stomach was growling. However, what happened was I didn't need anything. There is enough food at the dorm for me, and since I'm the only one at the dorm this week I did not need to go anywhere to get more.

FORTINOS. It's a grocery story in the Loblaw's franchise thing. It's name is all uppercase. Like it's calling you over. Yelling your name. HELLO, OVER HERE. IT'S FORTINOS. COME IN. Well, I had not yet been at that particular Fortinos. Not shopped there yet. And I was kinda hungry. So...

Okay I find myself parking my car in the parking lot. Grab my purse, lock the doors and walk into Fortinos. I feel like an idiot. Walk around aimlessly. Checking every isle to find something yummy. I think people look at me, since I stare at each product, pick it up, look at it and then put it back. I have no cart. I have no basket. Fine, I'll get something. Eh the Rice Cakes are on sale. Perfect, and its even the good quality brand, costing the same as the NoName brand. Score.. O shit. I just grabbed something I did not need.

Only minutes later I don't feel so much like an idiot any more. I have a basket, and it's filling up... I see the produce section, o boy do I love produce... Yummy fruits and veggies... And then last but not least I find this orchid. It's only $15...and I have wanted it for a long time. I kind of deserve it...I mean I'm by myself at the dorm, and need a pretty companion to get me through these dreary winter days....

Then I get to the till. The cashier tells me how much it costs and I am surprised. I pay and drive to the dorm. When I get there I realize that I led myself into temptation. Grocery stores and me, well lets just say it's not a good combination. Especially not when I am hungry, don't need anything, and don't really have money for it. I was led into temptation, even though I remember praying very consciously yesterday 'and lead me not into tempation..' Why God? Why did I go? Why can't I resist temptations like grocery stores....

While thinking that I heard myself come up with excuses. Well I had never been in that Fortinos before and I just wanted to know what it looked like. I just wanted to know if it is cheaper or more expensive then Sobeys. I just.....

I'm just BSing myself while coming up with the excuses. I know the excuses I come up with are partially true. But I totally lied to myself about it...

So now I've lied and given into temptation...

Many times when we're faced with temptations we come up with excuses. I find that in the past it was often an excuse that included "I just wanted to know" in the excuse. I have been led astray that way many times. Just because I wanted to know... what it was like.. how it was.. what it looked like.. how I would feel.. what would happen....

I just wanted to know...

Now I know, just like many sources say, to not go to a grocery store on an empty(er) stomach. And maybe I should not go to the grocery store alone. Plus if I do have to go I must make a list of things I need and not go past that list. I think Ill be better of that way. Hopefully.

And pray often, for strength and self-control, so that I will not be led into temptation. again. and again. and again.