it has been a while

It's been a while. A long while. For months now I have not written. OK that is not completely true, I have written lots, but mostly papers. Papers are different than writing here, where it is just a random thought train put into words. Papers are different and far more exhausting to write. I have written so many papers already this semester and I know there are many more papers to come. Just this week there are 5. It's okay, I will live. I did chose English as my major because I do enjoy reading and writing very much. But five papers in one week is just a bit much. For that exact reason I have not posted.
Even though I have 5 papers due this week, I am taking some time here. To write the random thoughts I have down, and to perhaps get some order in my brain, to give my mind some space, some room to think academic thoughts that correspond with the papers I need to write.

So first this.
It has been a while. Since things have just gone 'easy'. The last months have been far from easy. It has been difficult this semester to be away from 'home'. For the first time have I experienced real homesickness and felt so down. It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well, the weather was grey and gloomy, and I just wasn't feeling up to doing the things I am called to. Real homesickness is different than just missing home. Homesickness is more like a pain in your heart, an emptiness, a soreness, a cry for love, a searching for belonging, a desire to just be. When you can't, or feel like you can't have those things you may experience homesickness. I don't think there are words to describe such thoughts.
To be honest; that is exactly the reason why I haven't written on this blog, or anywhere else; I have kept contact to a minimum. I have been silly. I thought that by 'breaking' those contacts or at least minimizing it I'd feel better. I knew that IF I would be vulnerable, it would be so much harder to pick up the pieces. I knew that if I'd even talk to people I'd probably break down and fall apart. And because I don't want to be vulnerable all the time, and just want to appear strong I avoided thinking, writing, talking, and communicating these feelings.
And it failed. I realized that a while ago already. I failed. I can't take care of myself. Strength does not mean standing alone and figuring things out by yourself. Strength is often in the times when we are most vulnerable. When we realize who we are, how we are called to be, and do something about it. Strength is realizing how we called to live as one body, to be with others, share each others burden. Strength is admitting you can't stand alone.
Part of the reason why these last months have been so tough is because I have been trying so hard to stand alone, to be independent, not just from family and friends, but to not depend or anything or anyone, including God. It was a battle. I knew I wanted to follow Jesus and knew that I am called to do this. I knew that I wanted to be 'Christian' and knew that I wanted to want Jesus completely in my life. And guess what, without God in your life you cant have God in your life. When I'm pushing away everything and everyone and isolating myself it isn't going to work. I'm not going to be happy and am going to fall away, fall short, fall flat on my face.

To experience then, in those moments of pure stubbornness how God wants me to dependent on is crazy. When I hear Christ knocking on the door of my heart, and feel His arms around me I am encouraged and want to answer. But when this is simultaneous with the strong grip of sin and Satan on my life, it is like a tug-a-war in my soul. My soul is torn in two, trying to live two lives, to serve to masters. And that fails. God Himself says one cannot serve two masters! So what am I trying to do here!?! Just being dumb. Being human.

It was then that I felt spiritual warfare. Satan became more and more evident in my life. Satan was everywhere. It scared me so much. I don't think I have ever felt so torn, so confused, so scared, so dark and cold. I don't think I have ever felt so alone. Where as God?

Ever heard of God being the Faithful one?
Well I tell ya - He sure is faithful. I can hardly explain how this was. While I was being so dumb and trying to rule my own life, following Satan's most deceiving voice God was right here. He held me in His hand, He carried me like I have never been carried before. He surrounded me with love, and continually revealed Himself in the most mysterious ways. He opened my eyes, and invited me again and again into His presence. It was the most wonderful. He protected me, and called me to Him.
Faithful. Forever faithful.
Only through Him have I been able to get through these hectic crazy busy months. Only through Him do I live. Only by His strength can I stand. Only by His grace am I made strong. For His faith is sufficient for me, and in Him my weakness is made strong. Only by His work in me and His love for me, His caring for me and me being His daughter am I never alone, never am I alone, because He never leaves me. He never stops loving. My faithful God and Father helped me through this tough time.

Only because He came. To save me. To work in me. To strengthen me in my weakness. He is leading the way, because He is the Way...!

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and 

protect you from the evil one."

~2 Thes. 3:3 ~