blessed with family near and far; blood and not.

~don't worry~

I'm a worrier. Not a warier, but a worrier. I know. I am. I worry too much. And it drives me crazy.

Just the other day I was thinking about what to do with my life. More like what to do with my life after this semester is over. More like where to work this summer. No I do not know where I will be working this summer. I do not know how I am going to get this or a job. That's a weird feeling. It's odd. I am not worried though. That has never - ever - happened! I am always worried, how come not now?!?!

What is going on? Even while thinking about next year, about next semester which starts come September, I was/am not worried. I thought for the longest time that maybe I wasn't supposed to go to Redeemer next semester. Maybe I should apply to another university. So I applied. I was kind of really confused as to where God was calling  me. But not worried. What? not worried? That's right. Not worried. I agree, the decision was difficult, first I had to choose if I should apply somewhere else, then if I did to which university I should apply. So I applied to university of Calgary. A great university I'm sure. I got accepted into both (I applied to two different undergrad programs) programs I applied to. It was great; I was accepted. Now I have decided to deny the offer of acceptance as they call it in fancy terms. That too was a hard decision to make. However, not near as hard as choosing to apply or not. So I denied their offer of acceptance. And I wasn't worried.. AHH! What was going on, why was I not worried? What was I doing wrong, I had never not been worried before?

Suddenly, just today while on the phone with a friend, I realized. It is God who gives me peace, who takes the worry from me. I had been able to put this whole application to Calgary process into His hands. Yes it was freaky, and I was scared like who knows what. But God helped me through this time of fear, and through the encouragement of many others around me, those far away and close by, I was led to Him. I was led and reminded to lay all my cares at His feet, and to trust that He will help me and take care of me. It wasn't easy, it was actually very difficult to trust Him and to let it go. And yes I was worried. Why? Because I, ME, likes to be in control. I like to control what I want to do. This time I wasn't in control, wasn't the one to rule this situation. (Wait, am I ever?) That's the weird part. I said before that it wasn't easy, but at the same time it was for that reason that why it was easy. In the whole process God has given me peace. It's strange I must say. I have never experienced peace like this before.

Telling my family that I am going to stay here for another year was difficult. I live far from my family and that is  not always easy. I would love to live closer to them, and they'd love to have me closer I am sure. However, that is not where God is calling me. He is not calling me to live in Alberta, He is not calling me to live in Calgary or to go to University there. He is calling me to go to Redeemer, to stay in Ancaster, to stay in Ontario. It is freaky to hear a calling that clearly. It is really freaky. It is freaky because it was so clearly confirmed to me like never before that I should stay here. (Questions and doubts soon came to me. Really does God call me? Why would He call me? Why was it so clear?) The confirmation God gave me was amazing; amazing as it came through a sense of peace. This sense of peace came over me, it washed over me, and gave me rest. Peace of mind, peace in my soul. It restored my soul. My whole being felt at peace, and I know that only the Prince of Peace can grant such peace which surpasses all my understanding.

Now, I am still unsure as to where to work this summer, and my summer is only 2.5 weeks away, it is a bit scary. However, I am not worried and I am at peace. I know that because God showed me the way and showed me where He desires me to be next semester, He opened this door to stay at Redeemer, He will keep this door open, and help me walk through it. He will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He will provide for me even though I do not understand how or when or through what means. I know He will provide, always, for those who are His children.

Who am I to say no, to not trust and not belief? Who am I to doubt? Who am I to not have faith in Him who cares even for the birdies and the insects, and they don't worry - so why should I?

Yes worry would be the most natural emotion (is it an emotion) to come over me, but it is not. Peace it what fills me. Peace it what washes over me. Not because of me, not because I understand this peace, but because the Prince of Peace lives in me, and He will provide! :D

That's why I am not worried....! 

And I feel fine! (Actually - I feel better than ever!)

GOD IS GOOD!

If you like here is a link to why I believe God led me here...

why Ontario

I often get asked, 'why Ontario?'
Well to all those who don't know, I will let you know why Ontario. Actually I have no idea myself. I have absolutely no idea, do not know 'why Ontario' is the place I ended up. Don't know why I am now living close to one of the major cities in Canada, and living miles and miles away from family.

I had no idea, and yet I went, that may seem strange to you. It did to me too. God opened this door for me. He gave me this opportunity to go to Ontario. And not only that. I felt called again and again to go here. I denied this call. I ignored it. Many times. But knew I had to listen, had to follow, and answer this call.

Obedience is one of the may things that God calls us to. And through obedience we can and may praise God. I had never really felt this, and never really thought about obedience as a form of praise or worship. Just the other day however I was thinking about it. Talking to a great friend of mine who is about to make a huge transition and about to follow and obey. It will be hard for her too, and she doesn't know how. Obedience, that is the only thing that right now seems clear. That obedience is what brought me to Ontario. Okay that sounds ridiculous, I don't really know how else to say it. I didn't choose to come here. I didn't know how I could come here. I didn't know, especially when we were travelling East and when I just got to Ontario if I even wanted to be here. And yet knew I had to. That I couldn't say no, because this was just an OTHER BRIDGE I had to cross in order to get to the other side, to continue walking on the path that I'm taking. That bridge was scary. I sometimes think of this bridge as one of those bridges that is missing half the planks that go across. Where you're balancing and too afraid to look down because a wild river below you is going crazy and too scared to look back because you will loose your balance, and too scared to look ahead because you to go for so much longer. Too scared, and too afraid to look in any direction, yet knowing that you have to keep on going.

I guess I was able to cross that bridge. When I got to the other side, this side I guess, I had to learn and adjust in many ways. I didn't know why or how. But knew I had to. I couldn't say no.  Some  of the things I had to learn were more scary than the bridge I had had to cross. Some of the things I had to learn were much more difficult than crossing that bridge. One, and  maybe the most difficult, thing I had to learn was to face myself and my fears. To fight through and depend not on myself but on God. That with Him walking by my side I had been able to walk through life. With Him holding me above the water I crossed the river, with Him carrying me I had gone through the roughest patches in my life. Through trusting in the Lord and depending on Him I was able to cross the bridge of obedience. The bridge that brought me to Ontario. The bridge that changed my life forever. And the bridge that I continue crossing (if that is at all possible). 

So I cannot explain why I am in Ontario, except for that God called me here, and brought me here, across the most scary bridge He carried me.

One thing I learned is this...

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" ~John 8:36

And He has set me free!! :D

 

 

 

OH HAPPY DAY

(ACC - African Children's Choir singing the song OH HAPPY DAY...) 


Well when it's 2am and you're studying for an exam that is at 9am... Really it is NOT a happy day!


But OH HAPPY DAY....! I GET TO FLY HOME TODAY... :)


(My ticket is printed, I will have 3+ hours to spare between exam and drive to the airport so that is when I will pack, and must write an exam and sleep before I go. Can I just say it one more time?! OH HAPPY DAY)

bless....

Goodness, I am so blessed!!!


What else can I say?


I thought it was a verse in the Bible, but cannot find it. I know though that I must count my blessings, and be truly thankful for them. O boy I forget that ALL the time. Sure I know that I'm blessed, that I have food and clothes an education and so many more, but I forget the 'little' blessings of tap water and eyelashes, or 'big' blessings like friends and good conversations. How in the world do we start counting our blessings, where to begin? Just looking around the room there are so many things I could list, and there are so many things I would miss (aka not consider blessing because it is so normal and I always take for granted.)


In less than four months of living in Ontario so many things I have changed. I met so many amazing people and made good friends. I feel like I've changed, grown in so many ways. I realize different things now, think about different things and am aiming to become more rational, and think more philosophical perhaps, so that I would love the truth more and not just think basic thoughts, but think deeper, because so many things I think are so very shallow. It's a blessing to be here and to be challenged by others to be more rational and to think deeper.
It's a blessing to be here and to learn so many new things and realize different things...


Just a few days from now I will be going home for the first time since the end of August. It will be a week from 4 months, and it has been long. The 'four' months have flown by, and I look back on for blessed months. Times of growth, although it has been long, I'd initially thought I'd feel more homesick. I feel blessed that I haven't been homesick at all, because it would have made it so much longer. Yes I am pumped to go home, it will be a blessing, but I am so blessed here too, more blessed than I would ever had imagined!!


Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow!

a tad of white

Just a little bit of the white stuff has fallen so far...
In Ontario I guess the winter comes at a different time. The snow falls later at least in this Southern part of the province. I don't really mind. Until last week I wore my flip-flops. It was a sad case when I put them away to await being worn in the Spring (perhaps that will come earlier?). I had a joyful time wearing flip-flops for so long.
Now that season has come to an end, and it is okay..

The grass is still green here, and I love it...! I believe all the trees have lost all the leaves that once crowned the branches. Now the trees are barren, ready for the snowfall. There's a mix of thoughts about snow here, some love that there's no snow yet, others are trying not to be impatient. I love both. I like having to wait for the snow. I found that in Alberta the snow always came TOO EARLY... I also like that there is no snow yet. No permanent - as in it will be there for the next (5 or so) months - snow yet! :D

This morning I woke up to a little but of white world... Well not really that white, but eh, it was snow. More like some icing sugar sprinkled. But it was snow. And I had my first candy cane - on the first snow fall day in Ancaster :D - while thoroughly enjoying both the sight of the semi whitened world around me and - the taste of yummy peppermint candy cane! ;)

Just a tad of the white stuff... compared to back home, in Alberta... A white world is awaiting me there, and in just a little less than three weeks I shall be coming home..! :D ODD that it has been so long, and yet gone by so fast; now, to get ready in different ways to travel out West...

November...

I cannot believe it is November already. November is a month that never goes by unnoticed for me.. It used to, back in the day (wow, I make myself sound old), but now since several years ago November means CHANGE. I live in Ontario now, and the leaves have changed colour, but we're in this transition stage, between fall and winter. CHANGE...

November 2004, it was packing chaos. Huh? Yes, packing chaos. That is were were all living a chaotic life, finishing up the last days of school, the last youth events in the Netherlands, and packing our life up in boxes which was rather chaotic. Plus trying to make sense of all the mixed and chaotic emotions running through our heads. At least I was. Why? Because we were MOVING ACROSS THE WORLD!!  ~nuts~ And that is chaotic I tell you. But also a time of change, huge change, and painful change.

Now we're in 2011 and seven years have gone by in rather rapid speed. It's crazy I find, to see the changes every November, every year. I am pretty settled in in Canada that is. I just recently moved to Ontario for my education - am decently settled in but not quite, not really, not fully - but okay. Living. Surviving. To the fullest. Each moment. To God glory. Or that's the aim at least.

I find the next quoted song over played. And just before our overseas move, our emigration we heard this song often, it was quoted everywhere, and drove me crazy!

Now, when I hear this song in November, or even any other time of the year I think back on our move, on the chaotic time of change. I think back on how I had to face my fears, and just go to this unknown country. Not planning my own life (all the plans I did have were screwed up anyway so there was no point in planning anymore), not choosing my own ways (dude, why did I ever think I could).  But trusting in the Lord, trusting in His guiding hand, that He will provide, that He will lead and bring me where I need to go, where I need to be, in the UNKNOWN future...! Freaky!

Lord What E’er the Future’s Bringing

(Dutch hymn ‘Wat de toekomst brengen moge’)

Lord what e’re future’s bringing,

I am guided by Thy hand.

And I lift my eyes while singing,

To the unknown promised land.

Help me follow uncomplaining;

Father, what Thou dost is right.

Guide me in the time remaining,

Give me courage for the fight.

Lord, I’ll praise Thy name forever

Though my soul can’t understand;

Blessed are they, who doubt Thee never,

But who trust Thy guiding hand.

Though the way seems dark and lonely,

Keep me Lord, from asking “Why?”

Oft I’ll get the answer only,

When I get to heaven on high.

Don’t let me decide, my Father,

What the future ought to bring;

I would make mistakes, or rather,

I would mess up everything.

As a child, Lord, wilt Thou feed me,

Wilt Thou guide me by Thy Hand;

I would lose the way, please lead me,

Lead me to the promised land.

I know I am not in the promised land, and that's okay, there is time here to live for me and I can do that here to. You know I don't have to always ask why and be totally freaked out of what is going to happen. Even though I do often and am often worried (sad face) but that is okay. I have to remember to trust the Lord, even in those times when I really can't or don't feel like it. Trust Him when the entire world seems to look dark and grim (which it is) and He gives me strength and oil in my lamp to shine His light here, right now! Trust in Him that He'll not leave my side, that He'll carry me when things are hard, will surround me when times are dangerous and I need protection or something.

So many promises, promises for now and for in the promised land..

 

When you're walking, and fearing it. When you're so super unsure of the future, and are scared of what is to come, HE IS HERE, AND VERY NEAR!

~~I'd never heard this song in English before today; the Dutch version is different but eh whatevs... same story~~

Niagara trip with the parents

niagara falls!!!

Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

Psalm 42:7

      

mom and dad

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
   the God of glory thunders,
   the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.

Psalm 29:3