oma.

My oma passed away yesterday. Far from family I try and deal with this. I try and give it a place. To work it all through. Its difficult. Grieving is hard. Death is part of life. The end and a new beginning.

In His joy I may be strengthened. In His provision I may be satisfied. In His love I may be wrapped. In His Light I may see. In His arms I may rest. In His grace I may trust. In His gifts I may be encouraged. In His promises I may be lifted up. In His forgiveness I may be made clean. In His blood I may be washed. In His purity I am made white. In His comfort my tears are wiped away. In His Word I may find hope. In his kindness I may experience love. In His peace I may be at peace. In In His hands I am made whole. In Him I live, I’m made alive. I am convicted of this with a conviction that only God provides, and this gives me courage. To go through each day, as I learn more who He is I learn more of who I am and how I may serve Him. All the days of my life; until He returns, or calls me home. I can only imagine what that will be like, but I know I will live and die though and in Him alone. Forever.
                As I ponder these things I realize that through different situations I may experience God in different ways and be convicted of different things. As my oma just passed away yesterday I am struggling, I feel very alone and confused. The distance between my family and I is now so great. Homesickness sets in big time. It’s difficult to focus. And yet I feel the communion of the saints. People I don’t even know have offered their condolences. People across the globe pray for us and I feel lifted up by these prayers. I feel God’s hand comforting me, and at the same time I feel an emptiness, a void. God fills me up and provides for me and yet I feel so broken. So fragile and confused.

My oma. A woman of God. So blessed to have known her. But how I will miss her. 

She's now with Jesus. There's no place she'd rather be. 

...

Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.Therefore encourage one another with these words.
1 Thes. 4 :17,18

Morning by Morning - CH Spurgeon

"So shall we ever be with the Lord."

1 Thes. 4:17

Even the sweetest visits from Christ, how short they are - and how transitory  One moment our eyes see Him, and we rejoice with unspeakable and full of glory, but again a little time and we do not see Him  for our beloved withdraws Himself from us; like a roe or a young hart He leaps over mountains of division; He is gone to the land of spices, and feeds no more among the lilies.

"If to-day He deigns to bless us
With a sense of pardoned sin,
He to-morrow may distress us,
Make us feel the plague within."

Oh, how sweet the prospect of the time when we shall not behold Him a ta distance, but see Him face to face: when He shall not be as a wayfaring man tarrying but for a night, but shall eternally enfold us in the bosom of His glory. We shall not see Him for a little season, but 

"Millions of years our wondering eyes, 

Shall o'er our Saviour's beauties rove;

And myriad ages we'll adore,
The wonders of His love."

In heaven there shall be no interruptions from care or sin; no weeping shall dim our eyes; no earthly business shall distract our happy thoughts; we shall have nothing to hinder us from gazing for ever on the Sun of Righteousness with unwearied eyes. Oh, if it be so sweet to see Him now and then, how sweet to gaze on that blessed face for aye, and never have a cloud rolling between,a n never have tot run one's eyes away to look on a world of weariness and woe! Blest day, when wilt thou dawn? Rise, O unsetting sun! The joys of sense may leave us as soon as they will, for this shall make glorious amends. If to die is but to enter into uninterrupted communion with Jesus, then death is indeed gain and the black drop is swallowed up in a sea of victory.

Dec. 10. Morning by Morning, C.H. Spurgeon

it has been a while

It's been a while. A long while. For months now I have not written. OK that is not completely true, I have written lots, but mostly papers. Papers are different than writing here, where it is just a random thought train put into words. Papers are different and far more exhausting to write. I have written so many papers already this semester and I know there are many more papers to come. Just this week there are 5. It's okay, I will live. I did chose English as my major because I do enjoy reading and writing very much. But five papers in one week is just a bit much. For that exact reason I have not posted.
Even though I have 5 papers due this week, I am taking some time here. To write the random thoughts I have down, and to perhaps get some order in my brain, to give my mind some space, some room to think academic thoughts that correspond with the papers I need to write.

So first this.
It has been a while. Since things have just gone 'easy'. The last months have been far from easy. It has been difficult this semester to be away from 'home'. For the first time have I experienced real homesickness and felt so down. It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well, the weather was grey and gloomy, and I just wasn't feeling up to doing the things I am called to. Real homesickness is different than just missing home. Homesickness is more like a pain in your heart, an emptiness, a soreness, a cry for love, a searching for belonging, a desire to just be. When you can't, or feel like you can't have those things you may experience homesickness. I don't think there are words to describe such thoughts.
To be honest; that is exactly the reason why I haven't written on this blog, or anywhere else; I have kept contact to a minimum. I have been silly. I thought that by 'breaking' those contacts or at least minimizing it I'd feel better. I knew that IF I would be vulnerable, it would be so much harder to pick up the pieces. I knew that if I'd even talk to people I'd probably break down and fall apart. And because I don't want to be vulnerable all the time, and just want to appear strong I avoided thinking, writing, talking, and communicating these feelings.
And it failed. I realized that a while ago already. I failed. I can't take care of myself. Strength does not mean standing alone and figuring things out by yourself. Strength is often in the times when we are most vulnerable. When we realize who we are, how we are called to be, and do something about it. Strength is realizing how we called to live as one body, to be with others, share each others burden. Strength is admitting you can't stand alone.
Part of the reason why these last months have been so tough is because I have been trying so hard to stand alone, to be independent, not just from family and friends, but to not depend or anything or anyone, including God. It was a battle. I knew I wanted to follow Jesus and knew that I am called to do this. I knew that I wanted to be 'Christian' and knew that I wanted to want Jesus completely in my life. And guess what, without God in your life you cant have God in your life. When I'm pushing away everything and everyone and isolating myself it isn't going to work. I'm not going to be happy and am going to fall away, fall short, fall flat on my face.

To experience then, in those moments of pure stubbornness how God wants me to dependent on is crazy. When I hear Christ knocking on the door of my heart, and feel His arms around me I am encouraged and want to answer. But when this is simultaneous with the strong grip of sin and Satan on my life, it is like a tug-a-war in my soul. My soul is torn in two, trying to live two lives, to serve to masters. And that fails. God Himself says one cannot serve two masters! So what am I trying to do here!?! Just being dumb. Being human.

It was then that I felt spiritual warfare. Satan became more and more evident in my life. Satan was everywhere. It scared me so much. I don't think I have ever felt so torn, so confused, so scared, so dark and cold. I don't think I have ever felt so alone. Where as God?

Ever heard of God being the Faithful one?
Well I tell ya - He sure is faithful. I can hardly explain how this was. While I was being so dumb and trying to rule my own life, following Satan's most deceiving voice God was right here. He held me in His hand, He carried me like I have never been carried before. He surrounded me with love, and continually revealed Himself in the most mysterious ways. He opened my eyes, and invited me again and again into His presence. It was the most wonderful. He protected me, and called me to Him.
Faithful. Forever faithful.
Only through Him have I been able to get through these hectic crazy busy months. Only through Him do I live. Only by His strength can I stand. Only by His grace am I made strong. For His faith is sufficient for me, and in Him my weakness is made strong. Only by His work in me and His love for me, His caring for me and me being His daughter am I never alone, never am I alone, because He never leaves me. He never stops loving. My faithful God and Father helped me through this tough time.

Only because He came. To save me. To work in me. To strengthen me in my weakness. He is leading the way, because He is the Way...!

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and 

protect you from the evil one."

~2 Thes. 3:3 ~

jumble jumble

I don't even know where to start. My last blog was written just weeks after I returned back to Alberta, back in the Spring. Now the Summer break is just about over. Four months at home flew by and I can hardly believe that school is just around the corner. In less than two weeks I fly back to Ontario and then my life will start again. That's not true either - I have been living here too and my life continues here as well. It didn't all of it sudden stop and I have to pick it up again once I arrive at the airport. It isn't true and I know it.
The last four months have been good. Really good. It is so good to be home and the amount of time I get to spend with my family is absolutely wonderful. I get to know my family better, get to hang out with my siblings. Laugh together, cry together, re-minis(?) together and think together. The last four months weren't always easy though. I tried a couple of different jobs, and failed at some. I worked hard and made little money. Worked lots. Broke down. Gone broke - that's not true but it sure feels that way.

Back in April I wrote a blogpost about how I wasn't worried. Just before I started typing this post I read back on some of my other entries. I was amazed to read and to be reminded that I wasn't worried at the time. I had no money. NO MONEY AT ALL. Yet I wasn't worried. I also had no job lined up and was not worried. I am amazed that God gave me such a peace in that situation. I look back and am almost in awe. Unbelieving. I pray that God will once again give me that peace. I know that one thing I must do though in order to get peace is to trust God. To commit my ways to Him. To lay all my cares before Him and He will give me peace. He has promised to provide for His children and has promised to care for us.
And yet right now I feel no peace.
I've made money this summer but feel that it isn't enough. I AM worried. I made money this summer but I am scared that I won't get through this coming school year. I am worried. And know that it is a lack of trust. God provided me with several jobs this summer. When one didn't work out after two and a half months God had already given me another job (WOW!! :D)! Looking back I again stand amazed by His provisions for me. In my life. In this time of need. In this time of distrust.

I stand amazed that God gives me all that I need. And then I realize that I am not trusting. He gives I take and then walk away wanting to provide for myself. I want to find my own job. Find my own money. Find my own way. I WANT MY WAY or the 'highway'. But why am I not searching for the way of the most High!? Doesn't He know best?! He knows where the money for this coming school year is going to come from. He knows exactly where very penny is going to go. And He knows that He will help me through. The High priest knows the Way and I just have to follow. Since I've decided to follow Jesus I should just do that. I try. I really do. Some days I just don't feel like following. I want to take charge. I want to do my thing and forget about everyone else. Who gives a beep?!

The Lord continues to be faithful though. His provisions are way above my expectations. He gives. He gives. And He also takes away. And when He does the latter I get angry. Frustrated and confused. My thoughts go wild and one thing I think is: 'I knew I should have been more in control of my life' It is in those moments of wild thoughts that I lose focus. I quit following. Forget it! I forget it. I forget Whom I've given my life. I forget that He wants to help me. I forget that He's in control and He knows best. Because I think I know best. Because I just want to help my self and take lead and be in control and own my own life. I'm so selfish and it makes me sick.

It's happened several times now. That I am extremely unmotivated and am sick and tired of myself. So if I've told you that I've felt unmotivated know that it is because of that. I am sick and tired of myself. Being disobedient. Sick of what I want - being in control - and tired of my attitude of 'unwanting'. I am sick and tired of not living for God. Or seeing myself fail every second.
A while ago I was driving to town for work and felt so sad. So lost. So frustrated. Tears were burning in the tearducts. I felt like crying. Like giving up. Like calling in to work and saying I wasn't coming. I was sick of trying to pretend to be happy, sick of saying to people that I was doing good when they asked how I was doing. Sick of pasting on a smile that wasn't truly from the heart. I felt like crying because I knew I was failing.

Still now I feel that way sometimes. Quite often. I feel like that. I wonder why my summer was so useless. Why I felt so useless and unmotivated so often. Why God was leading me in the paths I've had to go this Summer. I still feel like crying. Like giving up.

God's carrying me. I don't know how to follow, so He picked me up, and is carrying me. Ain't I glad that when I am weak He is strong, and that He knows best. You betcha. I am so THANKFUL. Even though it is stinkin' hard!

~ excuse the jumbled wording. It's the way my brain is functioning right now. Jumble jumble ~

STUFF

Who hasn't heard of this 'new' hype?

While in university, okay I know that's less than three weeks ago, I was on Pinterest all the time. And now I knew why. I was trying to find things to do so that I didn't have to do homework, or didn't make time to do homework. I spend hours and hours on Pinterest, going from the Everything page, to the art, even the science pinboard. It started to really drive me crazy. Three weeks have gone past and I was bored tonight. So I thought, why not check out Pinterest. Many of the pins are of wedding-y stuff, of decorations for in the house and STUFF. STUFF that is driving me absolutely crazy. Coming home did that to me. I realized when I go here how much STUFF was still in my room. How much of that STUFF I had never even thought about during my 8 months away. It made me realize too how much STUFF of mine is stored in Ontario, and I can live without all that STUFF now. 

Pinterest is a place where STUFF, things are presented in such cool ways that STUFF doesn't give you the 'stuffy' feeling anymore. You just want it, you want more, more, more. Stuff to fill up every nook and cranny of your life. To make you want more, and to make you have more. And not just that. Stuff to make you jealous. At least thats what it does to me. I see pictures of beautiful places in the Caribbean and it makes me WANT to go there. I see 'how-tos' of the sweetest hairdo's and it makes me angry that I just know how to put a bobby pin and some mousse or a ponytail in. I see wedding pictures every other pin and I just want to plan my own big day. OKAY... You get the point. Im getting jealous with all the pins that pin cool STUFF that I cant have, I dont have, and dont need. Pins of STUFF i can live without, but want or think I need only because it is right there in front of my face.

So this stuffy website of Pinterest, which is a sweet distraction during times of study, can stay away for now... Byebye pinterest, go entertain someone else with all your STUFF! :s

...i'm not sure i'd consider it a fun reminder...

time's running out...

I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

~Forgive Me - Group 1 Crew~

This fall Megan, one of the beautiful people in my dorm this year, gave me a CD she put together with the song Forgive Me on it. This song has really touched me in the last while especially. 

I am not afraid because God is holding my breath, but knowing that time is running out, knowing that the world will end soon and awaiting Christ's return, makes me fear that I have not enough time to tell the world that Christ wants to be found. Now. And I can be part of this witnessing, this Gospel work, this commission Christ called me too. I have the privilege to work in His Kingdom in more ways then one, and I often take them for granted, think very lightly of them.

I just want to go big, or go home. I want to go places very far away and do very big things. Like safe the world or something. But that's not really where I am called to right now. Perhaps later. Who knows. I am thankful though for the opportunities that I do have right now. God has given me an awesome opportunity here everyday of my life. To live. For Him. In all things to glorify Him. I have this wonderful position to be involved in the lives of many. And not only that, but to grow in so many ways through walking alongside people, and even more so walking with Jesus. He has walked with me in these last 8 months. Every.single.step. He was there! O wow! He led me every step of the way, and now I am here. Not the same person as 8 months ago. Grown so much. Learned so much. Stretched so much. And given so much. I have been so blessed! I don't even know where to start. Yet must remember to in all things thank Him. For His work and His love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and faithfulness towards me. I have been so blessed, and so often I complain. I find this hard.

How do I work in His Kingdom, how do I say I glorify Him all I do, while I complain? Sin? Don't trust? Get angry?

How does God give me the blessing and works in me again and again so that I dont have to be afraid? God has blessed me and made me grow, changed me and worked in me in so many ways, and why? Because He loves me!

Next school year, DV, I have the opportunity to work in the school among students, with students and for students, in God's Kingdom. I am so pumped.... and so very thankful that the Lord has put this on my path and led me here. I am so thankful that the Lord has given me this opportunity and a way in which I can learn, grow, and love Him, glorifying Him in all I do.

Remembering that time is running out, is scary. Especially since this semester is running out so quickly. Two exams left, and then going home. I am so excited. And yet it's weird. Time is running out here. My first year at Redeemer, 2nd year of post-secondary is done just about. Time is running out with people here, as some are leaving Redeemer for good. Time is running out. Not just at Redeemer. But for us in life.

We must remember, and live as if every day is our last. To the fullest! All for Him and for His glory. Witnessing and preaching to all nations, telling the world that there is no time left...!

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

~ Forgive Me - Group 1 Crew ~

YOU! GRR! (ME! GRR!)

I love being a student. 

I love doing projects.

I love learning material.

I love getting As.

I don't want to do it.

I don't feel like doing it.

I'm not in the mood.

I'm too lazy.

That is basically my story.
I have been in school for so long. Even with a year break while working. Every time again, as the last weeks come closer and I am almost done for the year I am sick and tired of working. Of learning. Of doing projects.

At those times I find whatever can distract me. That often involves some electronic device, like my cell phone or my laptop. Often it involves a website, or two, or three, or several windows with as many tabs as possible all open, and going back and forth. Often it involves social networking sites. I KEEP GOING BACK TO THOSE! :( It makes me sad and frustrates me. Every time again, when I am checking my Newsfeed and there is no Newsfeed I click away. Every time I want there to be a Newsfeed I check again. I sit there, clicking back and forth between pages. I check many pictures on Facebook. Look on your wall to see if there is something I can comment on, wait for you to change your status so that I can 'like' it. And OFTEN I GET ANNOYED. WITH MYSELF. WITH YOU! Because you are the one that is updating 24/7, or you're the one who doesn't update at all. I get annoyed with you because you are the one that keeps changing things that I have to check out, and because you have about a 20 albums full of pictures which I have to creep, of course, that is how I get to waste my time....

OKAY.. that was a major confession....!

Oh and wait. I update my own status a million times. With new silly goals. And post in groups to see if people have something to say.

It really isn't YOU whom I am getting annoyed with. I get annoyed with my attitude, with how I deal with things, and how dumb I am to procrastinate 24/7. Until the due date, until I have to rush through projects and hope that I get a decent mark. I get annoyed with me, every single time. And do not know how to fix it.

GET RID OF FACEBOOK PERHAPS!?

I'll find something else to spend time on, like Pinterest, or email, or blog, or organizing pictures, or cool websites, cool blogs, or a good book. I could write you a card or do my laundry, I could clean my room or wash the dishes. I could go work out or go for a walk. I could just sit around and talk to people. My homework will come another time, another minute, it won't run away from me.

Homework... I suck at doing homework.

can't I just do it later?!

And even after 16+ years of schooling I don't know how to do it!!!

Sad face :(

Maybe the title of this post should read....

ME! GRR! Okay... - I'll add it, in parentheses that is, so that I don't look so bad perhaps...)
Now, I really got to do some homework. I have half an hour until Starbucks closes; I can do 30 minutes of solid homework, after 2+ hrs of procrastination...!