blessed with family near and far; blood and not.

Partir, c'est mourir un peu.

Partir, c’est mourir un peu,     /   To go away is to die a little,

C’est mourir à ce qu’on aime:    /   It is to die to that which one loves:

On laisse un peu de soi-même    /   Everywhere and always,

En toute heure at tout lieu.   /    One leaves behind a part of oneself.

C’est toujours le deuil d’un vœu,   /   It is always the mourning of wishes

Le dernier vers d’un poème;   /   The last verse of a poem

Partir, c’est mourir un peu.   /  To go away is to die a little.

Et l’on part, et c’est un jeu,   /    And one leaves, and it's a game,

Et jusqu’à l’adieu suprême     /    And until the final farewell

C’est son âme que l’on sème,   /   It is one's soul that one scatters,

Que l’on sème à chaque adieu / That one scattters with each farewell

Partir, c’est mourir un peu.   /   To go away is to die a little.

~ Edmond Haraucourt ~1856-1941 ~

 The last few days the title of this poem has been on my mind. Perhaps because my mom said it on Friday when I'd just said the see-you's to my lovely family who were going to their home in Nederland."Partir, c'est mourir un peu." The more I live the more I go. The more I go the more I meet. The more I meet the more I leave. The more I leave the more I die. It is reality, nothing shall change this fact. Over the last couple of years I have wondered if I leave more than others do, if I die more than others do. Okay - I know it is a little dying - a little mourning, but still it is...
Mourir and mourning - it looks to me that the French and the English have the same root - one is dying the other is a sorrow, a pain that comes with leaving something behind and having to let go. Death of someone you love is painful - you have to let go - they are no more and there is an emptiness. I remember clearly when my grandparents passed away. Opas and omas are supposed to be there, they're your parents' parents and they belong; they're family; they are related; they are yours. And then they're gone, they're seat empty, their voice silenced, their step stopped. Then you realize what you miss. No more can you get a hug or kiss, no more phone calls or visits. No more grandparent. Only the memories, the part that lives on in us - where a little of them has scattered into our own lives.

Mourir sounds so tragic. So big. So deafening. Mourir it is so harsh and so final. It is the end. And yet...

The first time I really remember saying goodbye was when we moved to Canada. It was Nov. 2004 and I was 13. A teenager being 'transplanted' to another part of the world. Awful. My sisters didn't help me any (and I didn't help them either), as we all 'hated' Canada and everything that had to do with it. Plus we were leaving ALL our family and friends behind. We were leaving everything we knew in Holland and moving to a place we only knew from maps, stories and our geography books - to a place where we knew NOTHING. That flight across the Atlantic was long, very long. I felt empty inside. I cried until the tears couldn't roll anymore. I sniffed until I couldn't feel any more. I thought and broke inside. I - or what I knew was 'I' - was left behind, on the other side. My life had just ended. Mourir. There was no more to do than to start over. It felt like my being was still on the other side. On laisse un peu de soi-même/En toute heure at tout lieu.

Over the next months it seemed like slowly the life was breathed back into me... that which was scattered before started to 'seed' and germinate once again, but also new things started to grow. New relationships and experiences added to the at once so somber colour scheme, slowly adding more happiness.

There are the small farewells in life. The 'see you tomorrow's and the 'bye's we say on the phone. Then there are the bigger farewells when we tell the other we hope to see them soon or know it will be in a week or two. There are also the farewells that are long term. They are goodbyes that feel like the end. The goodbyes that leave you empty and weak, wobbly and alone. It is those goodbyes, those farewells, those leavings that leave me deep in thought so often. The same are they that make me feel that I have left part of who I am behind, or have given it away - scattered it. Part of me goes with them that leave me, or part of me stays in the place that I leave.

It is hard, very hard. 

 

I left Holland for Canada. 

I left my school for another, for another, for another, for another, for another.
I left my grandparent, and another, and another.
I left my friend and another and another and more yet.
I left my brother, a sister, a mother, a father.
I left my family,

I left my home, my abode, my comfort zone for another.

I left my life to find it a new. 

I died a little with each leaving; part of me scattered over there, with you, with them, or right here. Scattered - for you to enjoy and perhaps to remember me by. Scattered because such is life. Scattered because that is life. Scattered because that is how things happen. 

You come; you go. You live; you die. You sow; you harvest. You live; you grow. You hurt; you heal. You cry; you laugh. You embrace; you let go. You break down; you build up. You mourn; you dance. You throw things away; you gather them. You seek; you find; you lose; you seek. You keep; you throw out. You tear; you sew. You hate; you love. You are silent; you speak. You are at war; you are at peace.  (Eccl. 3)

You don't know; you go to He Who knows. 

I don't get it, never have and doubt I ever will. But know that partirs are part of my life (and of yours too). Just because I have lived in multiple places far from each other I have friends and family - loved ones - who I can't just visit and embrace. Those same lovely people I see only for a time. Like when my family was over from the Netherlands this past month I embraced and cherished those moments. Then they left and I had to let go. When I am in Alberta for the summer months I try to live it up - I dance and gather and laugh and love and live and grow. Then when Fall comes I have to let go, mourn a little, hurt a little, cry a little, seek a little, tear a little, hate a little, only to go right back to dancing, gathering, laughing, loving, living, and growing. Just to do it over and over again. To you it may seem like a cycle - never ending and always always going. A game perhaps? because it certainly feels like un jeu sometimes That is exactly how it is - we live and part of life is letting go or leaving or partir. Part of life searching for where you belong and while you're searching you're finding where you don't belong and letting things go. While you live you leave and while you leave you die a little. 

It's painful. When you say your 'see you's and you don't know when that see you will be (but know it won't be anytime soon). It is painful when you have loved from closeby and have to let that go only to do it over a long distance. It is painful when you have to let go and let the other's live on - knowing you're not there to live with them. It is like you're leaving yourself with them - and you can't live or something. Obviously that isn't true. I still have a lovely life to live right here when I am not with you - here where I am and you where you are. We're doing our things - separate and yet connected - but in different parts. We our living and remembering and cherishing that which we did have and that which we do have.

Each time we leave we die a little - because  a little of us goes with the others.

Each time I leave I die a little - because a part of me goes with you. So that you - whom I have met and then left - can live with a bit of me scattered in your life. 

There is indeed - a time and season for everything. And all things will be made beautiful in His time - even the 'mourir un peu's. What a comfort that God knows, and knows best. When I die He gives life (Ps 139). When I cry He dries my tears (Ps 22). When I am hurt He heals (Ps 30). When I am lost He guides me through (Ps 23). When I am in the dark He is the Light (Ps 119). When I feel alone He is with me (Ps 23). When I question He soothes (Ps 79). When I cry out He hears (Ps 37). When I am afraid He comforts (Ps 55). When I am wild He calms me (Ps 42). When I don't know I trust that He knows (Ps 46) and will never leave. (Heb. 13)

My prayer then is may God be with you till we meet again!

reading writing and hand usage

Two months have flown by. My third year of post secondary ended well and I roadtripped it back to Alberta.
I have been home for two months now and it has been pretty fantastic. Catching up with friends and family here has been so good. There is so much to do and only so little time. I had such good intentions when I came here and, well you can probably guess, only few have actually come to be. But Summer is not over yet. 2 more months until I return to Ontario.

Working life is busy. VERY BUSY. Some Mondays I  don't even know how I'll get through the coming week, and then suddenly it's Friday. Another week done. Lived. Past. History. Lived to the fullest I always hope. And yet I don't always feel that way. For one of the summer jobs I have *yep I have I multiple jobs* I do the same thing every day, every week, and every month. It is boring and mindless work. The people I work with make it fun. Yet my brain is so bored. It's out of shape...
I do have a lot of time to think when working that job. It amazes me how quick my brain can take trips from one destination of thought to the next with many detours and u-turns. Yes I think about the same things often and other times it is completely strange and foreign subject I have never once put my mind to. This is a kind of fun experience and yet it frustrates me. For months, while in university, I thought 'wouldn't it be nice to put my brain on hold, give my thoughts a break, and just relax my head?!' Well, now I have those times and for four months it will go on. I need something that will stimulate brain activity and exercise while working with my hands (without reading or writing, or hand usage).. If you have any tips, please send them my way.

While I wait I continue to read books during my spare (if you can call it spare time!) that hopefully advance me intellectually or at least keep me at the same level of brain activity.

Making the best of this life, of working life which is crazy busy as one works uhm a handful of summer jobs. Its fun and I am enjoying it, but some days it is hard to stay motivated. Even though I am busy it does not mean I am particularly motivated....
So that's my goal for the rest of the summer. To stay motivated! (even if that means looking forward to each pay check at the end of each month - that would be only 2 more after this one - eek!)

weekend.

It's a relaxing Saturday. I have lot's of work to do.
But,
These last few weeks in Ontario before the summer comes,
I am going to enjoy them, every moment.
Cherish them. Make memories.... :)

The Blues of My Secret Addiction

I can hardly open my laptop without my fingers typing the word that opens the blue screen.
I can't sit in class without checking that blue screen always being open.
I can't get homework done because the blue screen is always open.
I can't focus on God because the blue screen is always open.

My secret addiction.

It isn't healthy any longer. I don't know how to live without Facebook.
So what I have decided is that I have to take this time. Not to seclude myself. Not to go away from the world, or totally put everything to the side. But to refocus. To reconsider my priorities. To let God take centre stage again. And to be His, fully.

Doing everything to His glory and honour.

I can do all things, through Christ!

it isn't always all positive

Considering the time of the school year, with the last classes and final exams coming very, very close, I am doing okay. I haven't felt stressed or overwhelmed.

As I sat in class today it hit me though... I am actually feeling a bit 'grey' today. Matching the weather I guess. Every now and then the sun pokes through, but then the clouds cover, the cold wind blows, and snow flakes fall from heaven. I'm done with winter, done with this semester, and just feel done.

I thought, eh may as well read some encouraging notes to myself. So reading previous blogs is what I ended up doing. Ugh. There are times that I can hardly believe I wrote those things. It's just confusing. Fingers tap the keyboard and words appear. Thoughts race and sentences come to be. I don't even know how they get there, where they come from, or where I go with my thoughts. Some how they end up on paper...

But I don't always feel that way. I am not always in positive moods. I too get discouraged and overwhelmed. 

Then to trust in the promise. 

Believe that I can do all things, only through Christ.

See the good when it doesn't seem to look to good... 

mended heart

A Mended Heart and A Deep Meaning of Happiness

                Total transformation. Christ-like. That’s what we’re called to; to be like Christ flows from a transformation of the heart. The heart, I believe is our whole being. It’s our mind, our strength, our soul – our being. When we are transformed by God and for God we are changed from the inside out, it will show in every part of our lives. With such a transformation comes the desire to continually grow ‘nearer, still nearer to Thee’ and become more like Christ. It’s a continual recognizing our disordered loves and lives, denying self and transforming. It is a love restored, reordered for God. 

                Over reading break I read Radical by David Platt. Talk about transforming. A book about the Book and for the glory of God; where I was challenged not only to be radical but to allow to transformation. I believe that through allowing transformation we will find God, God will become evident in our lives and that our happiness will be reordered, re-formed, refocused with God at the center. The redemptive work of God in me lets me live in the ‘already’; I get to experience a peace of heaven on earth, I get to experience some shalom in Him. Through the already I am in Christ, and become more like Him as I seek His will and long to do His will. In the already I am promised the ‘not yet’, the life to come, life eternal. As I believe in the – between already and not yet I am in Him. The – is what I live in now. It’s fantastic – I get to be in Christ and in the world too. God has called me here with a purpose and a profession or calling; through prayer and petition I can let God know my requests, because He has promised to listen to me. He has made this relationship possible in the already redemptive work of Christ.

                It’s not just fantastic to live in between the already and the not yet. It’s difficult at times. I experience doubt and confusion. I feel the earthquakes and the tremors, there are twists and turns in my life, there are upheavals and times of emptiness which I experience. But it is in those times that I am carried; as I journey I see God is working all things together for my good (Rom 8:28-29).  It is then, in the troubled times that God is forming me, teaching me to become more like Him. God brings me to the mountaintop sometimes, and I look back and see His beauty, His providence, His faithfulness. It is then that I sing and praise His most Holy Name. LORD, ‘Here I stand in awe … there’s nothing like Your presence, God’ (Here We Stand, Newsboys). I believe that God’s incredible work of Love in me is to mend my heart, and to let me experience true happiness, all for Him and for His glory. 

encouraged

I am encouraged by
the whistling of birds at the break of day
even though the darkness of the sky
and frigid air keep spring away.

I am encouraged by
the green blades of grass poking out
even though I still see in the corner of my
eye the whiteness on the ground.

I am encouraged by
the small signs of Spring,
knowing that God doesn't lie,
that promises of seasons should make us sing.

I am encouraged.

Sigh.

Sigh.

It can be such a relief. A refreshing breath of air. Or a release of something that was locked up within. Sigh. A gulp of air but then in reverse, it comes out.

It's nearly three a.m. I should be sleeping, a long time ago. Sigh. I could. I should. I would. But I don't. That's me.... sigh...

As I browse the internet and read blogs, as I drewl over Pinterest posts and envy photographs, as I click all links and watch videos, as I read my Bible and write my journal, I am to busy. My head is still spinning from the previous day. My mind doesn't stop. It never does. ...SIGH... Ah and then I think, it's okay. It's now Saturday, and I know I just have to do homework, really who wants to get up for that anyway?! I love my calling as student, I really do, but sigh, this semester is flying by and yes I want to be done year three of university, but can I finish without the work?!

Go to the ant you sluggard.... ~Proverbs???

OKAY. Never mind. Scratch that. I do love my calling as student and I also love the work I have to get done. SIGH. sometimes it is just too much. I feel overwhelmed and procrastinate (old story). Not only that, perhaps I get too ambitious in a way. I want to get good grades and be happy. I want to do well in school and have friends. I want to be a social butterfly and dedicated to my studies. I want to be a teacher and want to be a student. I want to be fun to be around and live life to the fullest. I want to be a friend and also a listener. I want to be wise and be able to take critique. I want to be humble and modest. I want to be pretty and good. I want to be excited and willing. I want to make money and give lots. I want to get to know all people and know more about them. I want to help others and be hospitable. I want to be loving and fair. I want to be just and encouraging. I want to be enthusiastic and intelligent.

I should stop making that list. There ware a lot of wants on there. It's not yet finished, I could add a million other things. Really, what is there not to want?! To be a better person, doesn't everyone want that? In my writing I struggle. Yes my fingers rattle on the keyboard, but my mind is a blur. when I started this post the only thought in my mind was sigh. The word sigh has been on my mind for days now, and it felt like it could be a decent post. It's in months that I haven't posted for a while that I don't think about potential post entries. But once I post again I remember how much I love blogging. Really it should be come more of habit, something I take joy in more regularly, because it is so fun! To just let my fingers rattle off the words that pop up in my brain and want to get out so badly. It's so fun to see what comes, to read the post after writing it and think WOW that's not what I had intended with the first line. I struggle, as my intentions throughout the writing journey change, as I feel my mood change through writing, as I feel my mind zigzag from left to write trying to decide what to right. ;) A struggle what to put on the sheet of paper on my screen. It is a struggle to bring a good story to you..

Added to my I want list I could be I want to write better and more exciting things...

But that's on the back burner for now. Maybe that day will come sometime. Who knows..

Anyway. About the sigh.

For me, a sigh can definitely be out of frustration and confusion. I don't get it or am overwhelmed and sigh.  It's in stressful times that I sigh most. But I realized a while ago that sighing is good during good times too. It can be away to just let things soak in, to let them be and settle in my mind.

A sigh. Oh - it can be so rejuvenating. New energy.

Today I was watching videos and reading blogs. I feel called to being a student, but also to other things. Right now being a student is where I need to be, and I love it, I always will. But the calling goes beyond being a student. There are children everywhere in the world with curious little minds and fantastic dreams of hope and a future. They need.

Sigh... What would I do? Live life to the fullest, and give. Give. Give.

The famous WWJD?
It has come up a lot in the last while. 'Are you a Christian?' and 'you call yourself a Christian?' have become regularly used phrases within my group of friends. It has been interesting, as we joke around and ask each other if we are Christians. I don't always know if it is a good thing, as we point fingers at the behaviours of each other and judge. I know it's all fun and game when do so, but it's good to realize sometimes that this is the most important question of life. Are you a Christian, a follower of Christ? And with that, do you want to become like Him? Do you want to not just follow Him but be Christ-like, imitate Him through knowing Him and being intimate with Him? Do you want to know what Jesus would do in a situation? Want to know Jesus? Because HE IS THE ANSWER!

What would Jesus do? I think that some of my 'I wants' are definitely traits Jesus would have had. Others are selfish and sinful. But it is good to stand still and ponder, what Jesus would do in situations. What would He want? He would want justice and friendship, love and care, generosity and hospitality, forgiveness and giving, kindness and peace, encouragement and unity. He would want the best for all His people. He would want harmony; shalom. Jesus wants for us what God had initially intended for us, and that is perfection.

Sadly my wants are far from perfection, because of this awful s-word that gets in between me and God all the time. I obey the s-word far more than God. I walk away from God again and again and again. The majority of the time I forget about Jesus, because I am too distracted by the s-word. SIN I HATE YOU, you ruin the perfection, you ruin shalom, you ruin my relationships, you ruin my thoughts, you ruin me.

Sigh.

WWJD?
Well - this is what He did, He came, and walked among us, visiting the poor and needy, healing the sick, eating with prostitutes and tax collectors, leading the stray and seeking the lost, touching the impure and giving food to the hungry, loving the forgotten and forgiving the filthy. He provided all their needs. And then He died. And rose again. VICTORY.

A sigh of amazement, overwhelmed with awe and inspiration, of new energy, of hope, of promises.
He loved. He gave. He became. He led. He shared. He was. He is. He will be. Always.
What's keeping me back?
Be Christ-like, He gives life.

In all you do, WWJD?

extra-ordinary

“It’s the invitation to actually live, to fully participate in this amazing life. […] I've seen
plenty of people turn down an invitation to fully live.” (Goff, 80)

My room-mate has shared some wonderful quotes from the book she is reading, Love Does by Bob Goff. In the chapter, There Is Room, Goff describes how we decline the invitation of living a full life in Christ; we continue to take pleasure in the things we have without fully enjoying them and meanwhile completely ignoring and denying God. “Turning down this invitation… looks like numbing yourself or distracting yourself or seeing something really beautiful as normal.” I think that is the problem when we do not savour. When we just let things ‘roll over’ us and accept them without seeing the beauty. In fact, as Goff says on the same page, “we get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited – every day, all over again” (80). When we accept the invitation to enjoy life we will become closer to God and fall more in love; we will joy in the small things and become happy.

                Just like Goff, Thornton Wilder says “My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” Lyubomirsky opens her 'savouring' happiness activity with this quote, and I believe it is very true. At times it is good to just be still and enjoy what we have been given. To savour what we have, or had, or are going to have and enjoy it. Let that joy wash over us and make us happy. But the problem is that we rarely take the time to live in the present and savour it. I believe that it is effective to savour.

                Just before writing this response I made myself some time. I sat here at my desk just before this thinking how lovely a cup of tea would be. I boiled the water and picked the type of tea. I brewed and brought the cup of hot tea to my room. Just the smell,oh the smell of my mint truffle tea made me happy inside. Then feeling the steam and the warmth of the cup; it too made me happy. Had I not been doing this savouring exercise I would not have realized how I can let a cup of hot tea make me happy. Throughout this week I allowed the ordinary things to become extraordinary, to savour them and reflect on them. I saw a bright pink sky early this morning while eating my breakfast. No one else was up and I was given the gift of savouring a glimpse of the sunrise. What a great start to the day. This past Friday I was walking to the main office at Redeemer before 8 in the morning, where I work each day. I was happy to be there, walking and rejoicing that it was Friday; the line from a song came to mind, ‘it’s good to be alive…’ A coffee date or hanging out with friends this weekend overwhelmed me with joy, how blessed am I to have friends! It’s the little things that get me, where I can fully savour through enjoyment and realization. Gratitude and awe wash over me as I realize God’s constant faithfulness and love towards me.

                I had other moments, when I didn't savour. I had dessert and wolf it down because it was so yummy, but I hardly even tasted it because I ate so quickly. Or I wake in up and go through the motions, hardly giving my body time to realize how good it is to be alive, to live, and to be; how beautiful it is and what a blessing that I may accept the invitation to joy in the new day. It is those moments that I realize how the beauty passes before me and I see it as normal; I expect it to be there.

                This exercise made me realize that if I savour more I also see God more. When I allow myself to see God in the small things of like, like that cup of tea or walking to work, I believe that I am more likely to see God in the big things too. But if I don't allow myself to see God in the ordinary, I am more prone to not allow myself to see Him in the extraordinary. The Westminster Shorter Catechism states that my calling is to “is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.” Through savouring I can glorify God and enjoy Him, through which I may experience true happiness. Savour than each moment, and rejoice in the Lord always, no matter the circumstance (Phil. 4). 

another month

I continually stand amazed, along with many others I am sure, at how fast the months fly by.
January too, has passed. I can't believe it. Just cannot even grasp how quickly the past 30 or so days have gone by. So much has changed. So much learned. So much challenged. And it just keeps on going. Unbelievable. But good. Thank goodness for time as it passes. Lets embrace it. make the best of it. live. enjoying.

things change

It's weird when you move away from family. Things change. When you choose to move. Things change. When you choose because that's where God's leading  you.Things change. It's weird to move away from family, and then to 'visit'. Things change. It's weird because home isn't as it used to be. And where I choose to move, this province, isn't what home is. Home is totally 'new' to me. Home gets a different meaning all the time.
Home isn't where I live. Home isn't where I spend every day. Home isn't my house, my room, my place. Home is where I feel at home. And that home is where I love to be. Wherever that is.
Where my family is.... that will always be a special place...

2013. with him

I find the New Year's celebrations a bit overrated.
Each day we start a new day. Each day is a day full of new opportunity, new resolutions, new challenges, new experiences, new relations. Each day is a new day and we gotta make the best of every one of them. A while ago someone told me they would want to know 'ahead' that they were dying so that they could do some fun things before they'd actually day - do before you die - type things. I believe we should live every day to the fullest. Live every day like it's our last. Live every day fully surrendering to God, trusting Him with our live, and seeking His will and purpose. Living each and every day for Him, because He makes life, gives life, and is alive. Always.

To live each day to the fullest and continue the wonderful journey that God has planned for me is my plan. I hope. I search. I walk. With Him.
Living one day at a time and entrusting it all to Him...

grow. stretch. hope. seek. live.