the grey, the dreary, the rain

Winter days here in the Netherlands are often grey and dreary. The rain that comes down is sometimes gentle and soft. It's raining cats and dogs is what most Dutchies say to me when it's raining. Pouring. That happens too. Those rain storms are good for something; I know nature needs the water, needs to be refreshed and get the necessary minerals. Some catch the rain water, catch the heavenly blessings pouring down for free. It rains on all, it shines on all, and none have say in it...

The weather happens and it can really influence life - your choices in what to do for the day or what to wear or where to go. To find shelter from the rain, the wind, the heat. From when I was a little girl the weather has impacted my mood. Some days I find that the rain, the grey, the dreary is right in line with how I feel. Some days I find that the rain, the dreary reflects exactly how my heart is, but don't assume it always is. Just because it's rainy or grey doesn't guarantee the Monday blues on a Wednesday or Friday. Just because it's rainy or grey doesn't mean the day will be difficult. I need to remember that. Remember that rain is a good thing, that the dreary doesn't need to bring me down, that the grey doesn't need to take me through the negative spiral. In the rain there's hope, there's good, there's blessings pouring down. When in that negative spiral it's hard to break out of it. Thoughts become irrational, far from realistic and yet you can't get out just like that. My house has windows with many panes. When it's dark inside and the street lights shine through I see a grids on the wall. The other day I noticed the grid and it felt a bit constricting, jail like or something. I tried taking a picture but that didn't show. Turning on the light helped. In the light you don't see the darkness, in the light there is no room for darkness, in the light there is no room for grids or enprisonment.


The Light - the Truth - will set you free! No longer enslaved, enprisoned, but living in the Light. Seek the Light when darkness tries to get you down, when it tries to get you take you out. Reminding myself again and again to not let the darkness overrule. Some days are hard. Some days just feel plain impossible. Some days it's actually going okay. And then there are days that end and as I hit the pillow I realize 'that was a good day'. That day was filled with sunshine even though it rained.

In a way I feel guilty for having a good day... guilty for enjoying myself and moments filled with laughter. How does joy go together with grief? Can it go together with grief - and if it can how do you balance it? Perhaps I shouldn't over think it. Allow the emotions to happen when they come, allow the laughter and the joy and the smiles and the tears and the confusion and the down thoughts to be. Allow myself to not be okay during this time because this is really hard, this isn't okay. The not-okay-ness is okay and I need to allow this part too, to read this chapter as well.

The other day I said to someone how I felt it was taking forever. In a way you want to finish this chapter of grief, read it through and be done with it. Done with the salty tears. Done with the flood of emotions. Done with the unexpected waterworks. Done with heart ache that is constantly felt. Done with it all. Because I don't want this - don't want to have to grieve the fact that my sister is no longer here. Don't want to have to live on without her, have to deal with an empty place. I want to be done with it all because this chapter sucks, it's stupid and difficult and the toughest read. I don't know the words I need to give, can't give words that will do justice to what this is like. If you ask me now I may tell you I'm doing fine because in that moment I feel fine. Or may say I am doing good because in that moment it feels good. Or you may say something to me and tears well up and roll down, because that night I didn't sleep well or that morning I woke up discouraged.
Yesterday someone came up to me and commended my courage. I fell silent.

Courage?

I'm feel weak and broken and super fragile. But courage? Seriously, I am still in survival mode. I fight my way out the door because I can't do it otherwise. I pray each day for patience with my students because my mind feels almost too full. Strength is something I cannot live without, and that strength doesn't come from within. It's not courage I've got, or at least it doesn't feel that way. It's trying to find what I need for that moment from the tips of my toes, from the depth of my soul, from the bottom of my heart. Strength to face the day, hear the comments, answer questions, absorb all the advice and ideas people try to share. Dear people, thank you for the cards you send - even though they guarantee tears. Dear people, thank you for the WhatsApp message about the least important and most nonsense things. Dear people, thank you for your prayers - for our friends and family and myself. You prayed when Lianne was sick and your continued prayers are so appreciated and needed. Dear people, thank you for asking questions even though sometimes I can hardly answer you. Dear people, thank you for offering me your help or ideas or advice - to be honest, I don't know what I need right now, don't know how you can help, don't have answers.
But thank you.
All of that adds to the joy and courage to keep going.

All that you offer and say and give doesn't go unnoticed, I honestly take it to heart and I see it as rays of sunshine on those grey days in my mind. Those are winks that take the chill off the grief. Thank you. For embracing me in the normal and in the pain and in the joy, too. Sunshine warms you, brings brightness and is light itself. Light doesn't allow for darkness. So thanks for bringing Light by being you and reaching out.