all of my ambitions, hopes and plans

waiting for the ambulance and just taking a silly selfie. classic

I love talking and writing, as many of you know. In the last few months talking has been a way of reflecting and processing what is happening in my heart and mind. It is a way of figuring out what is going on, or at least putting it into words. I always thought I was pretty in tune with what was going on in my mind, can figure out what I am feeling and am able to express that in one way or another.
In the whirlwind of Autumn 2018, the season my sister's leaf faded and fell off, suddenly I no longer felt. Couldn't feel because I was hit with numbness, overcome with shock and later grief. I could no longer feel because there were so many feelings going through me at once, many emotions at the same time. Some days there is frustration, other days it feels like pure anger, some times I am disappointed and in some moments relieved.
In my tribute during Lianne's memorial service I talked about the dreams we shared, the hopes we had, and our deepest desire. Many of our dreams and hopes were similar, but the greatest longing for us both: to glorify God in all things - now and forever more.

In September I told her that I was jealous she'd likely meet our Maker soon, jealous that she'd be in glory soon. Is that a holy jealousy? Selfish jealousy, I am not sure?! Those ambitions, those hopes, the plans we'd made soon became a memory.
Lianne had been planning to come to the Netherlands to visit Corné and I here in October 2018. Our plan was to go to Cambodia together in the Summer of 2019. She hoped to open her own bakery and had already started baking cakes for weddings and such. The first dream that vanished was her dream to become a mom. Her deepest and 'loneliest' dream perhaps was to become a mom, but eh, that doesn't work too well when you're alone. We always would joke about her family of 10 children, mini-me's she'd say... and she hoped they'd be less chaotic than herself 'because otherwise I'd have to hire you'. I laugh now, thinking about that. At the same time tears roll down my cheeks... In August she said to me: "Marieta, I'll never be a mom..."

In October those words had changed... still so very similar and yet I could tell her own dreams had become unimportant to her. She'd moved on from holding her own dreams to sharing ours... "Marieta, I'll never see you be a mom, will never be able to celebrate the milestones of our niece and nephews... Mariet, it hurts me that I won't be able to be there for you..." Her hopes and dreams had vanished, all she could think was not being able to share in the celebrations, not being able to bake pretty cakes for birthdays and weddings, and squeezing us tight for our birthdays. She'd let go off her own dreams and was filled with heavenly longing, longing all for Jesus.

Jesus, all for Jesus,

All I am and have and ever hope to be.

Jesus, all for Jesus,

All I am and have and ever hope to be.

I surrender these into Your hands.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans

For it's only in Your will that I am free,

I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,

Jesus, all for Jesus,

All I am and have and ever hope to be.

Jesus All For Jesus

Sometimes it feels like she had to prematurely surrender all things into His hands. So abruptly, from planning a trip to Europe to a like -death-sentence-diagnosis. So abruptly, no more dreams of her own but dreams God had for her. He wanted His child home and she's home now. Home with God. There's no place I'd rather be, than in Your arms of Love....

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, that happens automatically really. I don't have to try, it just happens. You start thinking differently in life when you come face to face with death, or are confronted with the end of life here on earth. It's a stark realization. You wonder what you're living for. What's the goal you're aiming at, the dreams you have. I struggle between longing for the heavenly and still having a calling here on earth. I am called to live and live fully and live for God and flourish where I am. How can I flourish in this broken, dark, cold valley? How can I flourish in grief and the winter season of my life? How can I live fully when I feel shattered, beaten, broken? How can I give all I have and all I hope to be - when I feel like I've got nothing to offer...?

How can I live when I can hardly breathe? How can I have ambitions for today when I barely have the strength to face this moment?

All I am and have and ever hope to be...

Really, it feels like I have hardly any ambitions - professionally or personally - they're all kind of put on the backburner. Don't ask me about a five year plan in my career. I pray daily not for cakes and pies for tomorrow but for today's bread. I ask not for long term care but God's providence in this moment. I ask not for 10 years from now because I can hardly face today. Someone reminded me of the manna God provided daily in the desert. Israel was warned not to gather extra, but to trust God's hand in what He gives today. Looking to Him for this moment is enough... Surrendering all I have to Him - letting it go out of my control-freak-hands and into His care, into His loving arms, resting in His providence. To depend on Him in that, in today. On the foreground of my mind is not what do I want but how do I live for You, abide in You, when I feel so lost? How can I live now? What am I living for today?

Jesus - You are all I am.
Jesus - You are all I have.
Jesus - You are all I ever hope to be.

It is He that lives in me, not I that lives.

To God be the glory, now and forever.