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| 4 years ago at my parents |
Lianne and I talk all the time. I don't think there have been any weeks where we didn't talk in our seven year long distance 'sistership'. I moved from Alberta in the fall of 2011 and have been away since; first in Ontario and now in the Netherlands. When I left Lianne had just graduated high school and she moved out quickly after I left. I think home became a bit unbearable without me there... ;) No, I'm kidding, but she did move to Calgary and started life there. It was weird for me to move to the other side of the country without my sister by my side. We had gone through a lot together before 2011, including a move across the world. Not that we always got along; I remember those first days - when she was 11 and I was 13. We hated being in Canada, tried to skip school wherever possible and 'accidentally' missed the bus, uhm, once or twice a week. On those days we were sort of stuck until mom would come home from work around 2pm. I haven't a clue what we did during those long hours but I remember there were quite a few rivalries. I remember being ridiculously mad at Lianne several years later. Lianne stormed down stairs and I ran after her; she quickly locked the bathroom door and I kicked it. The door didn't open but a hole about a foot from the floor still lives there. Every time I go home I am confronted, using your strength in anger does lasting damage. I am glad I didn't hurt her physically, that time.
That was all before we grew up. I think moving to Ontario and then moving to the Netherlands became a bit more possible because Lianne was always just a text, WhatsApp message or phone call away. I live 'ahead' of her by some time zones which makes it tricky at times, but I don't mind staying up late to give her a call. Messages get sent daily over various forms of social media and sometimes I can't keep track of what I sent her via which medium.
During my first few months in the Netherlands we called far more often. I had so many moments of shock and awe and confusion that I had to verbally process and Lianne just listens, or just talks depending. Really, she is always there to listen and I've spent many nights here in Leerdam laying on the couch or washing dishes or hanging laundry or emptying closets or reorganizing shelfs or painting watercolour while the free WhatsApp call just keeps going. Sorry for all those trying to reach me at night - if I wasn't available Lianne and I were likely chatting...
I haven't a clue when it was but I remember Lianne telling me in the winter last year that exercising wasn't really going so great because breathing hurt. I quickly responded that I also have terrible endurance and I can't breathe either and kind of shrugged it off. But this complaint didn't stop being a complaint. Being that I live far away I couldn't really tell if anything was going on. I trusted all was cool.
July 16th, I took the earliest and cheapest flight to Alberta and got to the airport, not knowing who would pick me up. It usually is somewhat a surprise who will pick me up, but I kind of expect Lianne. We hugged and she cried and it was the loveliest reunion. We quickly went to the car, where mom was. Ah, the rest of my family didn't know that I was coming so all three of us were giddy. Lianne filmed the moment Helma first saw me and the tight squeezes with all my nieces and nephews. It was wonderful to see each other again.
I spend a solid week in Alberta, filled with quality time, dates with mom, hang outs with Lianne (and Chris and Krystle too!), went for dinner at Peter's and Helma's place and had lots of niece and nephew times. It was amazing and so great and I am overwhelmed just thinking about all the good that happened in that short trip. I went back to Ontario on the 23rd and felt satisfied, full of sibling love and hugged too tight by some of my little nephews! (Thanks, sibs, for teaching them what hugging means and for keeping us connected even though they were all born after I left Alberta.) Once back in Ontario I continued visiting with incredible friends and went camping. On the 30th I flew home - to the Netherlands.
I came home to heat and drought and little green - something I've never really seen here before. There were almost 4 weeks left before the school year started so I ended up relaxing after a whirlwind Canada trip. I realized that I hadn't really processed everything that I had experienced in Canada so I consciously did that.
My oma moved to a care home at the end of July and I went to visit her there at the beginning of August. I was an emotion wreck and was surprised.
On Lianne's 25th birthday, August 8th, I bought a piece of cake and actually celebrated with her from overseas. I knew that on that same day she has to go in for a CT-scan.
On Monday evening I am eating dinner when Lianne calls. She's looking at flights and we check my Fall break dates, and talk plans - places we want to visit, sights we want to see, people we want to meet. She is coming to the Netherlands and will buy the ticket at the end of the week...
And then her phone rings, I get put on hold - she's called in to see the doctor and we talk on the phone until she goes into the clinic. I tell her to give me a shout when her appointment is done. I remember doing something upstairs when I hear my phone ring downstairs. I run down and see it's Lianne. "hey" I say. I just hear sobbing.
I sit down. "They think I have lymphoma."
My laptop was on so I quickly Googled what it meant. A type of cancer starting in the lymphatic system. No way! That's not possible, that's not allowed! She's my sister, she needs to live. I can't even be there for her, this can't be happening...
She tells me more but I forget the details. I tell her to drink some water, to blow her nose, and get a cold wash cloth (dang I sound like my mom). I stay surprisingly calm and I can't really believe it myself. My sister just gets awful news and I don't even cry - what's wrong with me. I pray with her and then I weep too. I ask God why and what and how and to just carry us because we don't know what to do or what to say. I pray that God will heal her and that He will help her and us and everyone as we deal with this shit we don't want to be in. I ask her what else I can do for her and she asks me to call my parents.
Of course I agree but in my heart I sob and weep and feel empty and weak. How am I supposed to tell my parents this. I first try mom. And another time. And another time. I try to compose myself. Three minutes later I decide to call dad, and know that will be much harder. It's 11am where he is and it is a Monday. When he picks up the phone with 'how are you?' I tell him I am fine but I am sure he heard my voice shake. He walks outside and I tell him exactly what I heard from Lianne and I hear him stop in his tracks, see his face, watch him break. It was gut wrenching having to tell my dad my sister, his daughter likely has cancer. Shortly after I call mom. Then call Lianne. We play phone tag - me from NL and they in Central Alberta.
Until 8pm I call a bunch of people here and just wept. I wam emotional and angry. Then I clean my entire house, do laundry, wash walls and floors and iron a whack load of stuff. I clean for 3.5 hours and then sit down. It is good to do work and process things without weeping. I am exhausted but can't sleep that night.
The weeks in between then and now have kind of been a blur. I made sure I wasn't alone in Leerdam, spent time with family (thank you everyone for taking me in and adopting me as your own!), and tried to keep busy. Meanwhile Lianne had lots of appointments to go to and I really tried to support her from here.
My mom came to the Netherlands last week Tuesday, the day my 2nd school year in the Netherlands started. It is so nice to have her here and I am super thankful.
Wednesday night Lianne and I talk for about 2 hours on the phone - the regular conversation about this, that and the other thing.
On Thursday we got another phone call, from Lianne.
A diagnosis. NUT Midline Carcinoma. A rare, aggressive, genetic type of cancer.
We've wept endless tears. They flow without asking. We've cried out to God and still do now. We storm God's throne even when our tongues can't utter prayers. We sing praise even through the storm because we believe in God - Jireh the Provider, Rapha the Healer, Abba the Father. We are carried by God through this storm, feel His loving embrace through the people around us. We're surrounded by people in communities around the world - brothers and sisters who pray and plea when we don't know how. We're drawn close to the Lord Himself and He never lets us go, He never leaves us nor forsakes us(Heb 13), He watches are coming and our going (Ps 121), He walks with us through the valleys (Ps 23), He strenghtens us and helps us (Is 41). Honestly, I have never felt God more near.
And that's the bright sunshine - God's presence and the hope we have in Him - in the midst of this storm.
Read Lianne's story on her blog. We will keep you updated there.
Support Lianne financially on the GoFundMe page her friends and family have set up for her. Expenses for things like gas and parking passes at the hospital will be paid from this funds collected.
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