reading writing and hand usage

Two months have flown by. My third year of post secondary ended well and I roadtripped it back to Alberta.
I have been home for two months now and it has been pretty fantastic. Catching up with friends and family here has been so good. There is so much to do and only so little time. I had such good intentions when I came here and, well you can probably guess, only few have actually come to be. But Summer is not over yet. 2 more months until I return to Ontario.

Working life is busy. VERY BUSY. Some Mondays I  don't even know how I'll get through the coming week, and then suddenly it's Friday. Another week done. Lived. Past. History. Lived to the fullest I always hope. And yet I don't always feel that way. For one of the summer jobs I have *yep I have I multiple jobs* I do the same thing every day, every week, and every month. It is boring and mindless work. The people I work with make it fun. Yet my brain is so bored. It's out of shape...
I do have a lot of time to think when working that job. It amazes me how quick my brain can take trips from one destination of thought to the next with many detours and u-turns. Yes I think about the same things often and other times it is completely strange and foreign subject I have never once put my mind to. This is a kind of fun experience and yet it frustrates me. For months, while in university, I thought 'wouldn't it be nice to put my brain on hold, give my thoughts a break, and just relax my head?!' Well, now I have those times and for four months it will go on. I need something that will stimulate brain activity and exercise while working with my hands (without reading or writing, or hand usage).. If you have any tips, please send them my way.

While I wait I continue to read books during my spare (if you can call it spare time!) that hopefully advance me intellectually or at least keep me at the same level of brain activity.

Making the best of this life, of working life which is crazy busy as one works uhm a handful of summer jobs. Its fun and I am enjoying it, but some days it is hard to stay motivated. Even though I am busy it does not mean I am particularly motivated....
So that's my goal for the rest of the summer. To stay motivated! (even if that means looking forward to each pay check at the end of each month - that would be only 2 more after this one - eek!)

weekend.

It's a relaxing Saturday. I have lot's of work to do.
But,
These last few weeks in Ontario before the summer comes,
I am going to enjoy them, every moment.
Cherish them. Make memories.... :)

The Blues of My Secret Addiction

I can hardly open my laptop without my fingers typing the word that opens the blue screen.
I can't sit in class without checking that blue screen always being open.
I can't get homework done because the blue screen is always open.
I can't focus on God because the blue screen is always open.

My secret addiction.

It isn't healthy any longer. I don't know how to live without Facebook.
So what I have decided is that I have to take this time. Not to seclude myself. Not to go away from the world, or totally put everything to the side. But to refocus. To reconsider my priorities. To let God take centre stage again. And to be His, fully.

Doing everything to His glory and honour.

I can do all things, through Christ!

it isn't always all positive

Considering the time of the school year, with the last classes and final exams coming very, very close, I am doing okay. I haven't felt stressed or overwhelmed.

As I sat in class today it hit me though... I am actually feeling a bit 'grey' today. Matching the weather I guess. Every now and then the sun pokes through, but then the clouds cover, the cold wind blows, and snow flakes fall from heaven. I'm done with winter, done with this semester, and just feel done.

I thought, eh may as well read some encouraging notes to myself. So reading previous blogs is what I ended up doing. Ugh. There are times that I can hardly believe I wrote those things. It's just confusing. Fingers tap the keyboard and words appear. Thoughts race and sentences come to be. I don't even know how they get there, where they come from, or where I go with my thoughts. Some how they end up on paper...

But I don't always feel that way. I am not always in positive moods. I too get discouraged and overwhelmed. 

Then to trust in the promise. 

Believe that I can do all things, only through Christ.

See the good when it doesn't seem to look to good... 

mended heart

A Mended Heart and A Deep Meaning of Happiness

                Total transformation. Christ-like. That’s what we’re called to; to be like Christ flows from a transformation of the heart. The heart, I believe is our whole being. It’s our mind, our strength, our soul – our being. When we are transformed by God and for God we are changed from the inside out, it will show in every part of our lives. With such a transformation comes the desire to continually grow ‘nearer, still nearer to Thee’ and become more like Christ. It’s a continual recognizing our disordered loves and lives, denying self and transforming. It is a love restored, reordered for God. 

                Over reading break I read Radical by David Platt. Talk about transforming. A book about the Book and for the glory of God; where I was challenged not only to be radical but to allow to transformation. I believe that through allowing transformation we will find God, God will become evident in our lives and that our happiness will be reordered, re-formed, refocused with God at the center. The redemptive work of God in me lets me live in the ‘already’; I get to experience a peace of heaven on earth, I get to experience some shalom in Him. Through the already I am in Christ, and become more like Him as I seek His will and long to do His will. In the already I am promised the ‘not yet’, the life to come, life eternal. As I believe in the – between already and not yet I am in Him. The – is what I live in now. It’s fantastic – I get to be in Christ and in the world too. God has called me here with a purpose and a profession or calling; through prayer and petition I can let God know my requests, because He has promised to listen to me. He has made this relationship possible in the already redemptive work of Christ.

                It’s not just fantastic to live in between the already and the not yet. It’s difficult at times. I experience doubt and confusion. I feel the earthquakes and the tremors, there are twists and turns in my life, there are upheavals and times of emptiness which I experience. But it is in those times that I am carried; as I journey I see God is working all things together for my good (Rom 8:28-29).  It is then, in the troubled times that God is forming me, teaching me to become more like Him. God brings me to the mountaintop sometimes, and I look back and see His beauty, His providence, His faithfulness. It is then that I sing and praise His most Holy Name. LORD, ‘Here I stand in awe … there’s nothing like Your presence, God’ (Here We Stand, Newsboys). I believe that God’s incredible work of Love in me is to mend my heart, and to let me experience true happiness, all for Him and for His glory. 

encouraged

I am encouraged by
the whistling of birds at the break of day
even though the darkness of the sky
and frigid air keep spring away.

I am encouraged by
the green blades of grass poking out
even though I still see in the corner of my
eye the whiteness on the ground.

I am encouraged by
the small signs of Spring,
knowing that God doesn't lie,
that promises of seasons should make us sing.

I am encouraged.

Sigh.

Sigh.

It can be such a relief. A refreshing breath of air. Or a release of something that was locked up within. Sigh. A gulp of air but then in reverse, it comes out.

It's nearly three a.m. I should be sleeping, a long time ago. Sigh. I could. I should. I would. But I don't. That's me.... sigh...

As I browse the internet and read blogs, as I drewl over Pinterest posts and envy photographs, as I click all links and watch videos, as I read my Bible and write my journal, I am to busy. My head is still spinning from the previous day. My mind doesn't stop. It never does. ...SIGH... Ah and then I think, it's okay. It's now Saturday, and I know I just have to do homework, really who wants to get up for that anyway?! I love my calling as student, I really do, but sigh, this semester is flying by and yes I want to be done year three of university, but can I finish without the work?!

Go to the ant you sluggard.... ~Proverbs???

OKAY. Never mind. Scratch that. I do love my calling as student and I also love the work I have to get done. SIGH. sometimes it is just too much. I feel overwhelmed and procrastinate (old story). Not only that, perhaps I get too ambitious in a way. I want to get good grades and be happy. I want to do well in school and have friends. I want to be a social butterfly and dedicated to my studies. I want to be a teacher and want to be a student. I want to be fun to be around and live life to the fullest. I want to be a friend and also a listener. I want to be wise and be able to take critique. I want to be humble and modest. I want to be pretty and good. I want to be excited and willing. I want to make money and give lots. I want to get to know all people and know more about them. I want to help others and be hospitable. I want to be loving and fair. I want to be just and encouraging. I want to be enthusiastic and intelligent.

I should stop making that list. There ware a lot of wants on there. It's not yet finished, I could add a million other things. Really, what is there not to want?! To be a better person, doesn't everyone want that? In my writing I struggle. Yes my fingers rattle on the keyboard, but my mind is a blur. when I started this post the only thought in my mind was sigh. The word sigh has been on my mind for days now, and it felt like it could be a decent post. It's in months that I haven't posted for a while that I don't think about potential post entries. But once I post again I remember how much I love blogging. Really it should be come more of habit, something I take joy in more regularly, because it is so fun! To just let my fingers rattle off the words that pop up in my brain and want to get out so badly. It's so fun to see what comes, to read the post after writing it and think WOW that's not what I had intended with the first line. I struggle, as my intentions throughout the writing journey change, as I feel my mood change through writing, as I feel my mind zigzag from left to write trying to decide what to right. ;) A struggle what to put on the sheet of paper on my screen. It is a struggle to bring a good story to you..

Added to my I want list I could be I want to write better and more exciting things...

But that's on the back burner for now. Maybe that day will come sometime. Who knows..

Anyway. About the sigh.

For me, a sigh can definitely be out of frustration and confusion. I don't get it or am overwhelmed and sigh.  It's in stressful times that I sigh most. But I realized a while ago that sighing is good during good times too. It can be away to just let things soak in, to let them be and settle in my mind.

A sigh. Oh - it can be so rejuvenating. New energy.

Today I was watching videos and reading blogs. I feel called to being a student, but also to other things. Right now being a student is where I need to be, and I love it, I always will. But the calling goes beyond being a student. There are children everywhere in the world with curious little minds and fantastic dreams of hope and a future. They need.

Sigh... What would I do? Live life to the fullest, and give. Give. Give.

The famous WWJD?
It has come up a lot in the last while. 'Are you a Christian?' and 'you call yourself a Christian?' have become regularly used phrases within my group of friends. It has been interesting, as we joke around and ask each other if we are Christians. I don't always know if it is a good thing, as we point fingers at the behaviours of each other and judge. I know it's all fun and game when do so, but it's good to realize sometimes that this is the most important question of life. Are you a Christian, a follower of Christ? And with that, do you want to become like Him? Do you want to not just follow Him but be Christ-like, imitate Him through knowing Him and being intimate with Him? Do you want to know what Jesus would do in a situation? Want to know Jesus? Because HE IS THE ANSWER!

What would Jesus do? I think that some of my 'I wants' are definitely traits Jesus would have had. Others are selfish and sinful. But it is good to stand still and ponder, what Jesus would do in situations. What would He want? He would want justice and friendship, love and care, generosity and hospitality, forgiveness and giving, kindness and peace, encouragement and unity. He would want the best for all His people. He would want harmony; shalom. Jesus wants for us what God had initially intended for us, and that is perfection.

Sadly my wants are far from perfection, because of this awful s-word that gets in between me and God all the time. I obey the s-word far more than God. I walk away from God again and again and again. The majority of the time I forget about Jesus, because I am too distracted by the s-word. SIN I HATE YOU, you ruin the perfection, you ruin shalom, you ruin my relationships, you ruin my thoughts, you ruin me.

Sigh.

WWJD?
Well - this is what He did, He came, and walked among us, visiting the poor and needy, healing the sick, eating with prostitutes and tax collectors, leading the stray and seeking the lost, touching the impure and giving food to the hungry, loving the forgotten and forgiving the filthy. He provided all their needs. And then He died. And rose again. VICTORY.

A sigh of amazement, overwhelmed with awe and inspiration, of new energy, of hope, of promises.
He loved. He gave. He became. He led. He shared. He was. He is. He will be. Always.
What's keeping me back?
Be Christ-like, He gives life.

In all you do, WWJD?