Words and life

 I wrote this piece last year, shortly after moving to Alberta. Never shared it then. I felt too frail to share words then, felt too vulnerable to lay my heart bare. This summer one of the books I'm working through is all about vulnerability. Today's lesson was about numbing ourselves because we want either more or less of something. This something can be emotion or connection or adequacy or material good or admiration or, or, or... I think for a while I pretended to be strong, to be independent, to be shielded by strength and not show my pain. I didn't want to share my heart, my grief, my brokenness because the whole world was saying I was so strong and so brave and so admired for moving across the world again. Moving to Canada in the summer of 2019 was a decision I made for multiple reasons, one of which was choosing health over career, was choosing me over societal standards, was choosing to listen to my heart over being deafened by the screams of my mind, was saying "Yes, Lord" instead of "I'm going to do my own thing". It was the most difficult decision, because I had to listen and admit my brokenness and face burnout head on. I wanted less grief. Less attention. Less pain. Less pity. More understanding. More healing. More being heard. More energy. More ability. 

The Lord knew I needed healing, family, process, deep grief, painful valleys, torrential tear storms, warming spring days, and the power of words to bring life. Words of Life through Scripture. Words of Life through sharing with others at a 13 week program called GriefShare (highly recommend!). Words of Life through new friends. Words of Life through Bible studies, I studied Joshua-2Samuel in the fall when looking at David's life specifically and during the Covid lockdown when we read all of it as a group in 8 weeks! David, a man who experienced a lot of ups and downs and wrote a lot about it through songs. I'm no poet, and definitely not at all musical, but David's example is one of courage to share words with the Lord. So I share words. I share what's on my heart with Him, and maybe with you, because it brings healing and life. Because I live only through Him. And only because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, I live and share. 

[picture: Lianne and I, we always shared sky photos. Especially when I moved away from AB. The storm clouds loom over autumn fields, but the sun is strong, the Light prevails. Sept.2019)]

August 7, 2019

Lianne, my dearest sister in heaven...

When I look you up in my Google photos there are 1272 photos in which your face is recognized. So many of them are crazy photos of you with others. Sometimes it's you just being goofy and other times it's you with many others being goofy. You had great humour, were witty, and always in for a silly selfie.  

When I went to buy a new phone today I said to mom that I kind of need you! Remember, how you convinced me to get a smart phone 10 years ago. That HTC Desire you had was far more fun than my little flip phone. So of course I got the same one. You'd do research for me to help me figure out every technological problem I encountered. I let you, it was easy for me and you loved to help. You had a generous heart, were willing, and always in for serving others.

When I packed up all my belongings in the Netherlands to move to Alberta (crazy daisy, Lianne, you'd not believe it - I moved back here!!) I thought of you so often. You never asked until last Fall. But I knew so well that you wished I'd move here. You'd suggest boys I should meet, sent jobs I should apply to, hinted at where I should go to church when I'd move here. We even once daydreamed about moving in together and hosting all the dinner parties one could dream of. You'd bake. We'd cook. I'd clean. You had it figured. You know how I would have loved to live near you as adult. One day girl we'll live in the same House again. You're already there but I'm coming, and can't wait to join you and all the others having the best time for ever and ever. 

Wherever I go, I see you and hear your voice and watch your face light up and sense your joy again. You're in my dreams and nightmares and tears and laughter. You're in my memories and in my future and in the now. Girl, even though you're no longer bouncing around this ball called earth, you're still coming along for the ride it seems. You've been there for 25 years of my life and no one can ever take all that forming and shaping and learning and growing up together away, that comes with me until I die. There's a huge gaping hole in our lives and we miss you fiercely. Some days we don't know how to go on. The fact that you'll never be here again, squeeze me tight like you always did, or correct me seems surreal. I can't grasp it and doubt I ever will. 

We know you're in heaven and get to celebrate there 24/7 (oh, wait there is no time there.... always then??). Dude, you got the best deal. You're free from pain, that stupid cancer is gone, and you've no more worries or tears or bills or shit to deal with. You're having the best time ever and will forever because you're with Jesus and reunited with Him. It's crazy to think what you had to endure to get there and that we got to know you for a breath. We always just wanted to grow up. Be adults. Live the life. Be free. Have skills. Have families and be successful. Everyone's dream. When we were young we learned all about life from mom and dad. Not just life skills for here but - you know - the most important stuff. Dat aller belangrijkste in ons leven. Dad would always kiss us for our birthday and congratulate us and pray that we would receive the best gift of all time, a new heart... Later on I learned that it meant we needed to belong to God and sing fully I AM A CHILD OF GOD and call Him ABBA and cling to Him. For the longest time it left us cold and we just looked at it as tradition. And the the triumphant Lord, victorious over death and darkness called us to Himself and blessed us and held us as His own. His grace, amazing! We grew and learned, together and separately, what it meant to be changed. Last week I heard a sermon that changed people change people, in the sense that a believer is changed and their change impacts others... I couldn't help but think about how (when you became to believe) you were on fire, were changed. I mean all of Red Deer had to know. You shared it with the youth at Crossroads and drove far and wide to get them kiddos out to events (and organized those dinner parties with friends)! Girl, you were on fire and that fire burned fiercely and then God said, "come home, Lianne!" Oh, and you wanted to go so bad but had to endure so much before. That journey to the unknown was excruciating and rocky and terribly frightening. Yet you held on to Christ. You let Him hold you as His own and you leaned on Him. As your body weakened drastically in a short time His strength was made perfect. He was and is exalted and He is lived up! 

[picture: Looking West from LPC one evening before GriefShare, Aug 2019)]

Whether you can see from heaven or not I don't know. (At least you no longer have to deal with fricken glasses!) I know that your life was lived fully while you were here. You impacted many and you still do. That verse I partially quoted above was tattooed on your wrist and somehow you convinced us to do the same. Dude. I was in Florida and people at the beach said "beautiful testimony on your shoulder" and I was so confused... and then I realized. So I shared. The story behind that tattoo. The testimony of your life and the story that lives on. Because Christ is alive and working... through life and death He reigns and stands supreme and you gotta go there first! Man girl, I'm actually jealous, zussie, because grief is super hard and the valley seems dark. I wish you were still here but you're celebrating and I don't want you to miss out on the best Feast ever. So while we are here we will look not to ourselves but to the God and Father who called you home and never left you. Just like you always seemed to get the first new gadget like that smartphone, I wanna run to get it too... Lianne panne poep chinees - ik mis je zo! But keep celebrating. We will too. 

Life is a party. And the life after this one is the Best... I'll see you there. 

Love you always! 

Forever my sister you'll be!

❤

[picture: July 2019, family day during my surprise visit to AB. We had no clue how sick you were. So thankful for this happy memory and photo!]

I’m at your grave

I’m at your grave

I’m sitting at your grave right now. The sun is warm and the breeze feels nice. So many sounds of construction and yard work around me while a crow let's me know he’s here too. It’s odd, sitting here. Every time I come some other neighhour has been added to the row. It makes me sad, because I know there are more people who, like us, have to experience loss. Have lost their loved one, have to feel grief.

Tears run down my cheek. I parked my car over by Co-op this time and as walked here I could feel them swelling and welling up. It's weird. I feel it in my throat and in my gut and in my heart. I haven't cried about you for a while, but that doesn’t make the heartbreak less intense. Sometimes I feel guilty when there are no tears, but girl, the lack of tears doesn't mean I no longer miss you. I almost think the missing becomes deeper as time passes.

You should have turned 27 this weekend. That would have been according to my plan, you know, the ‘grow old together’ kind of thing; and here I am sitting at your grave. That isnt right, that shouldn't be. I always find the solitude, the respect, the solemness of a cemetery quite comforting, peaceful, and at the same time this place is so empty or something. Most people don’t come here for fun. Then the other time I was here I saw a lady working out between headstones and I nearly walked up to her. You know me - I'm kind of chicken, but honestly I had to tell you. I can’t believe people have the audacity to do something like that.

I was gonna say I'm glad you're here. In this grave. But you really aren’t here. It's just a casket with what remains of your body and a pretty headstone on top. You know we got your verse, our verse, put on it?! It is such a great reminder that the Lord’s strength is what carries us, what's perfect in our brokenness if we commit to him and that it's only by his grace. But that grace is so sufficient, so abundant for me in my weakness and you in yours. It is what saved us and holds us and makes you be able to be with God in heaven now. And we, we to get to live with the Lord but here on earth. What a blessing and such amazing grace that we get to abide with the Lord and that He never leaves us and He never changes. It blows my mind that we get to be with Him in heaven and I'm actually a little lot jealous you already get to be there.

This world has been quite the gongshow lately. The craziest things have been happening, I'm not getting into them but you'd have a fit if you heard about all the jazz going on. I know you would have your opinions but you’d also have been without work and youth and friends for months and months because of covid and I'm just so glad you dont have to experience all that. This would break you girl, and yet you’d remain positive and think of way to hug people even though we are told we can’t.

There is so much going on and I wish we could talk. I'd ask you your views and listen to your rants. We’d message back and forth and try to wrap our heads around this.

I mean, the world situation is nuts and I'm not minimizing that. Really though, we were told from the beginning that by choosing to eat (goodness, I just realized even Eve liked food!) - we made a choice that life wouldn't be easy. We wouldn't forever walk with God in the garden and the Lord could no longer say “and it was very good”. We, as humanity, messed up big time. And until this day we live with the effects of that choice so long ago. The effects are diseases like cancer and viruses like covid. It’s crime and violence and hatred. It's people blowing each other up and selfish gain being priority over the whole. It's the loss of community and family units. It's broken relationships and abuse. And yet there is some hope. Lots of hope. You knew it. I know it. And you shared it when you were here and even in the story of your battle with NUTs and death, even then you stood triumphant. How? Because you lived and relished in God’s grace and shared his power and might and victory. Not just a few, you shared with everyone so that they too would know His strength. God used you to plant so many seeds and that was your task. And you did, often with joy and a smile. Honestly, you weren‘t perfect but your smile and joy and genuine care and love for people is what I hear about. You cared girl. And your youth, your friends, clients, co-workers, co-leaders, everyone who knew you knows that still. I believe it's a testimony in itself and those seeds you sowed and showed, God will give the increase.

So as I sit here, my tears dry now, and my cheeks salty, I just am so thankful for the years we had together. For the time I got to have with you and for the life you lived here on earth. I am thankful for the beautiful woman you are and were and that I know that you are with the Lord. Thank you, for being your bouncy, crazily excited you, for being the non-communicating listener, my loudest cheerleader and my truest friend. I miss you dear sister but oh am I ever glad that the lord had you Home and that we have that comfort. Looking forward to being reunited one point in eternity but until then I will continue to tell your story, continue loving you my dear, and all who know me know I have a little sister and she's with Jesus.

To God be the glory!

I'm moving to The Netherlands soon here, and this will be the last time I can visit your gravesite for a while. I mean, you don’t notice I'm here probably - but that's fine! This is a pretty special place.

Ps. took my birks off and just chilling here with my sunnies and soaking up the rays. You would do the same.

And another thing. You’re beside a police officer and across the path is a large army vehicle. One of the kids trusted that you’d at least be safe in this spot.