I don't even know where to start. My last blog was written just weeks after I returned back to Alberta, back in the Spring. Now the Summer break is just about over. Four months at home flew by and I can hardly believe that school is just around the corner. In less than two weeks I fly back to Ontario and then my life will start again. That's not true either - I have been living here too and my life continues here as well. It didn't all of it sudden stop and I have to pick it up again once I arrive at the airport. It isn't true and I know it.
The last four months have been good. Really good. It is so good to be home and the amount of time I get to spend with my family is absolutely wonderful. I get to know my family better, get to hang out with my siblings. Laugh together, cry together, re-minis(?) together and think together. The last four months weren't always easy though. I tried a couple of different jobs, and failed at some. I worked hard and made little money. Worked lots. Broke down. Gone broke - that's not true but it sure feels that way.
Back in April I wrote a blogpost about how I wasn't worried. Just before I started typing this post I read back on some of my other entries. I was amazed to read and to be reminded that I wasn't worried at the time. I had no money. NO MONEY AT ALL. Yet I wasn't worried. I also had no job lined up and was not worried. I am amazed that God gave me such a peace in that situation. I look back and am almost in awe. Unbelieving. I pray that God will once again give me that peace. I know that one thing I must do though in order to get peace is to trust God. To commit my ways to Him. To lay all my cares before Him and He will give me peace. He has promised to provide for His children and has promised to care for us.
And yet right now I feel no peace.
I've made money this summer but feel that it isn't enough. I AM worried. I made money this summer but I am scared that I won't get through this coming school year. I am worried. And know that it is a lack of trust. God provided me with several jobs this summer. When one didn't work out after two and a half months God had already given me another job (WOW!! :D)! Looking back I again stand amazed by His provisions for me. In my life. In this time of need. In this time of distrust.
I stand amazed that God gives me all that I need. And then I realize that I am not trusting. He gives I take and then walk away wanting to provide for myself. I want to find my own job. Find my own money. Find my own way. I WANT MY WAY or the 'highway'. But why am I not searching for the way of the most High!? Doesn't He know best?! He knows where the money for this coming school year is going to come from. He knows exactly where very penny is going to go. And He knows that He will help me through. The High priest knows the Way and I just have to follow. Since I've decided to follow Jesus I should just do that. I try. I really do. Some days I just don't feel like following. I want to take charge. I want to do my thing and forget about everyone else. Who gives a beep?!
The Lord continues to be faithful though. His provisions are way above my expectations. He gives. He gives. And He also takes away. And when He does the latter I get angry. Frustrated and confused. My thoughts go wild and one thing I think is: 'I knew I should have been more in control of my life' It is in those moments of wild thoughts that I lose focus. I quit following. Forget it! I forget it. I forget Whom I've given my life. I forget that He wants to help me. I forget that He's in control and He knows best. Because I think I know best. Because I just want to help my self and take lead and be in control and own my own life. I'm so selfish and it makes me sick.
It's happened several times now. That I am extremely unmotivated and am sick and tired of myself. So if I've told you that I've felt unmotivated know that it is because of that. I am sick and tired of myself. Being disobedient. Sick of what I want - being in control - and tired of my attitude of 'unwanting'. I am sick and tired of not living for God. Or seeing myself fail every second.
A while ago I was driving to town for work and felt so sad. So lost. So frustrated. Tears were burning in the tearducts. I felt like crying. Like giving up. Like calling in to work and saying I wasn't coming. I was sick of trying to pretend to be happy, sick of saying to people that I was doing good when they asked how I was doing. Sick of pasting on a smile that wasn't truly from the heart. I felt like crying because I knew I was failing.
Still now I feel that way sometimes. Quite often. I feel like that. I wonder why my summer was so useless. Why I felt so useless and unmotivated so often. Why God was leading me in the paths I've had to go this Summer. I still feel like crying. Like giving up.
God's carrying me. I don't know how to follow, so He picked me up, and is carrying me. Ain't I glad that when I am weak He is strong, and that He knows best. You betcha. I am so THANKFUL. Even though it is stinkin' hard!
~ excuse the jumbled wording. It's the way my brain is functioning right now. Jumble jumble ~
