It's puzzling

In front of me lies a puzzle, a jigsaw puzzle. I started it several weeks ago and slowly I add a few pieces here or there. Slowly the picture is coming together. Well, parts of it are coming together. Last time I could harldy lay down a piece at all. Today I worked on it for several minutes... Those same pieces I was so frustrated with a while back just found their home on their own it seemed. Slowly I see the woman's face and the basket on the wall, the curvature of her back and the apron around her waist, so small.

Slowly I see pieces fit and realize it all takes time. At one time, we may lose hope and focus. Other times our perspective changes and there we have it. It all makes sense. No matter the puzzle, the picture we are working on, I think we will never fully see. Yes, we will see parts of it, and move things around until perhaps they 'click' - but really, not until the last breath in our so-called puzzle is breathed, will the picture be complete. And even then - will we see it then?

There are things that appear to fit in one place and then do not make sense at all. There are things that appear to fit nowhere and then suddenly fall into place and it becomes so clear. Something I cannot wrap my head around is that just shedding a different light on this puzzle helps me see...

I have come a bit further than this...

What if in life I allowed the Light, the Thy Word is a Lamp, to shine more on my path. What if I let God in, allowed Him to shine on my life and let Him lead the way? What if I let God show me one piece at a time?
In the Light it is all revealed.

Will I allow it?



[Written Oct. 29, 2017]
[The puzzle still lies incomplete under a tablecloth on my kitchen table. I haven't touched it since the day I wrote this piece. Have I given up, you wonder? No, that isn't it. After I completed the colourful parts of this picture only greys and blacks remain. I find it difficult to deal with the dark stuff, it just can't seem to come together for me. The greys are better than the blacks - but still so difficult. I haven't given up - I won't give up. At one point I did think about putting it in the box again and bringing the puzzle to the thrift store. But that's not perseverance, that's giving up. And giving up is not something I do!]

then there's love.

It's the classic, perhaps over quoted verse.
John 3:!6. You all know.

"For God so loved the world... ..."

It's Advent season now. Most likely this verse will be heard more than once in the coming weeks. And that's okay. It is good to stop. To pause. To reflect. Because then there's love! There's love. It's crazy. God LOVES!

It's not just little love. Not simple love. Not random love. But LOVING LOVE.

This may not be making sense. In my mind it doesn't either, so that's why I'm just trying to write it down, make sense of it as best as possible. It's through these times that I can't make sense of things, that I feel most frazzled. It's not that I can't think, but because of all the thoughts that are flying through my head, zooming in my mind, blurring the clarity I sometimes have, it is exactly then that I need to write. I feel the urge to let my fingers rattle on the keyboard. I can't stop them. I can't write other things. I just need to let my thoughts be my thoughts. Let them ramble on, and be words. Let them 'be' on paper, let them appear on the screen. And think for themselves.
I am learning to love these times during which I need to write. It's difficult when there are thoughts that just need to get out, and I'm not allowing it. Really, if I'd just allow myself to write my thoughts that are stopping me from doing other things.... When I don't write down what's really on my mind, I can't seem to think about what should be on my mind (like school stuff)
This probably doesn't make sense, but in my head it does. And for now, that's all I need.



ANYWAY.

Read a passage. and let it sink in. Scripture is incredible, if you didn't know, I'll tell you again - it's seriously incredible. There are passages for every situation; God can lift you up! He will lift you up. He can encourage you! He will! He can teach you! More so, He will not only teach you but also stretch you and stimulate thought, He will make you think and help you understand, He will help you discern and figure things out, He will help you learn to understand who you are through revealing himself - who He is! - to us.

Let's read it then.

Look at just verse 7.  let's love one another. Let us love. Love. Dude. Just love.
But what if I don't like the person?
Just love.
What if I don't know the person?
Just love.
what if I don't know how to love?
Just love.

Because Christ, who loves, will love through you. He loves you and through that love by which you live, through which you love you will be able to love. And no it won't always be easy. and it won't always be 'just love' because it will be super difficult. You can't just love. I can't just love. No one can just love. But love is from God.

God is love! God is love and he shows it to us.
When Christ is baptized, God say something along the lines of ...this is my beloved Son, I am very pleased with Him. God showed His love through His Son in many ways. One way was by giving His Son, Christ, for the world. Because He loves the world and all the people He so beautifully created so very much He sent His Son. Not just so that I could live, and that my sin could be forgiven. But so that I can experience His love. So that you can experience that love.

So we're addressed by BELOVED... (in other versions it may say something different, like 'dear friends', but beloved is so much more loving!) Beloved.

Be-loved beloved. GOD LOVES YOU. And because of His love, as you have seen and heard, experienced and are learning to understand, you are called to love each other, for love is from God. And since He through the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, loves us and abides in us, we can also love others because His love is made perfect!! :D

So let's love.

God Is Love

⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰ In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹ Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

¹³ By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

words part 1.

One of my nephews is learning to read this year. It is fun to see videos of him reading to his little brothers. When the littles were first born I gave them a book and have every birthday since. Perhaps it’s the teacher in me. Perhaps it’s my love of reading. Perhaps it’s the example I had in family members who gave me books for my childhood birthdays. In the homes where my niece and nephews live, many books are read. It makes me happy. Happy because books are essential and instrumental in forming one’s vocabulary, one’s understanding of language both written and spoken, one’s comprehension of underlying messages, and one’s imagination.

Reading didn’t come easy for me. I remember my teacher in grade 1. She had fun posters on the chalkboard to help us remember letters and sounds. She loved to read stories to us and I loved writing. From the first days I was meticulous and a perfectionist - my letters needed to be formed just so. Several years ago I went through my school notebooks and found how neat my cursive was almost right from the start. My teachers were my heroes, and I wanted to be just like them… I tried to copy their cursive and to imitate their loops and angles. I loved hearing stories and I loved writing letters but I had such a difficult time reading. I hardly moved up to new levels and couldn’t form the words that were on paper with my mouth. A lot of insecurity arose during those early years, especially when my family moved during the summer after grade 2. From then on I was reading in a small group with a reading mom, while peers were allowed to read together - because they were able to read.

It wasn’t until I was in grade 5 that I was allowed to read with a younger reader; she was in grade 1 at the time. Suddenly I started enjoying reading. Why? Well, because finally I was the better reader, I could finally read with expression (or pretend to do so), and was able to help the little girl. (I remember who she is and I found out through a friend that this little girl is now a teacher as well!)

Receiving Christmas books from church and school and parents was always such a wonderful time. Two weeks of Christmas break with three new books! Wow! My parents used to read to me, I think, and then I started reading them on my own. Words became stories and stories became films in my head with wonderful images according to the author’s descriptions. A new world opened for me and I started reading more and more.

When we moved across the world I hit a wall, or perhaps you’d call it a ravine. My reading level plummeted. Not because I couldn’t do it anymore. No, it was because I had to learn a new language. What a terrible feeling it was when my sister and I had to go and check books out from the primary library at our school. ‘Run, dog run. The dog ran fast.’ Oh my, I was 13 years old and had to read such pathetic material - because I couldn’t speak this dumb language called English which was spoken in this dumb country called Canada where we lived.

Words.

Words printed on pages. Black and white. One letter beside another, beside another and another. Words forming sentences and sentences forming paragraphs. Words expressing setting, feeling, character, et cetera. Words expressing a time and a place and a person and a thing. Nouns and verbs and all that jazz (which I know all too well, but is too much to list right here and you non-grammar junkies don’t want to be bored with…). Once I started reading English my understanding of the language began to expand as well. I began to realize what people were saying and was able to formulate responses. The fact that I was thrown into a foreign language and had to swim in order to survive helped immensely in the rapidness of learning the strokes. I had to. There was no way around it. I started to dive deeper and swim across many seas, from elementary to middle to secondary and then post-secondary school - studying language and reading and writing for more than I thought possible or desired!

Words, curves on lined paper; sometimes pressed hard and written ferociously. Other times beautiful lines expressing gentleness. Those first few months after immigrating I started writing, writing down my feelings - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Words went across the world, ink on paper across the skies. With tears sometimes blurring my vision and the words all the same. I wrote. I had to. I couldn’t express myself any other way; verbal communication was too difficult. I couldn’t find the words to tell you how I was doing, not in English anyway. Thus I stuck to writing, cards and letters, to you and you and you. Many read my words, my words of anger and frustration, my words of shock and awe, my words of hate and disgust about the North American way. [I’m sorry team, I was a teenager forced to move across the world and it was hard, okay?!]

Words. I think that’s when words started finding me, when my brain started connecting words with feelings and I started expressing myself more fully. It was a way for me to cope with the situation, manage my emotions, and find ways to deal. Writing wasn’t a conscious effort or decision during that time, it just happened and it happened to work.

In 2005 we vacationed in the Netherlands, only 9 short months after immigrating. During our time in NL, I had a conversation with an older friend and mentor. I vividly recall her telling me that she believed me writing was a way of processing and giving things a place… It wasn’t until years later that her words came back to me.

Words. Written on paper, they let you look into someone’s life, their mind, their inside. Through my words (many posted on this blog) you can read what was and is going on. I can’t always verbalize the thoughts, can’t always get it across, but it’s there somewhere. Through writing I learn to read. Through writing I see what is going on in my own life. And as I look back in old journals, come across old letters and cards, read essays I have written over the years, I hear myself grow. Words on paper or on a screen, you get to see me. Words shared with you, it’s an open invitation. Come on in, I may be far away, but you get to still know me - through those words.

Dear Debt, I am so done with you.

Not just Debt, but the whole money strapped feeling that weighs me down. It has been years now that I have lived paycheck to paycheck, years in which I was wondering when I would get paid next so that I could go get groceries again. During university there were months on months that I wouldn’t go to the infamous North American malls because it would be a temptation to spend money. It was better for me to just not go, or if I did go I would take only my driver’s licence along so that I wouldn’t be able to spend anything. It was terribly hard and I hated it. I then graduated university, with a lot of debt. I had this lofty goal that I wrote down - to be done paying off my debt by June 2018 - 2.5 years after the official ‘repayment time’ started. It is now December 2017 and I am far from paying off my debt.

It is now December 17. I make good money and I enjoy my job. I like getting paid and I still like spending. I still have  debit card (and a very small credit limit on a credit card I only use when I buy flights). That debit card is the most dangerous item in my wallet. It’s one of those tap and pay things. You don’t even have to do anything but tap the card and you’ve paid. I don’t even know how much I spend on things. In September I moved to the heart of a city in the Netherlands; it’s cute and cozy and it has lots of neat boutiques and shops. Everytime I walk out my front door I see shoes on sale, great discounts, and baskets outside the shops with fantastic deals. I live within walking distance of neat stores and also several excellent grocery stores. Some days I walk through my street with a 2 item shopping list for one store; say apples and yogurt. An hour later I come home with a bag full of groceries and arms loaded with other items. Where in the world did I go to spend all that money? Half the time I don’t even know. It’s those small purchases, 3 Euros here, 5 there, 9 there. Within a short time I’ve spent more than I thought possible in one hour…

Having moved across the world recently - and bringing only 2 suitcases full - I started here as minimalist. I still believe in minimalism. I want minimalism in my life because I don’t like stuff, don’t want to be tied down to things, don’t like the weight it adds in my life and the chaos it causes in my mind. (Plus it often means you’ve got to clean more and pack+move a lot - which I do relatively frequently.) Last year, before moving here I purged a lot, and it was fantastic to live a minimalist life in the 1 bedroom that I occupied in Canada. I had a small wardrobe and minimal space to store things so I couldn’t have a lot of things… Now I have my own little place and I had to purchase things to allow life to happen here - I have to live somehow. Much in my house was given to by friends and family, and I still stand amazed how few things I had to purchase in order to furnish this house. It is incredible how small purchases add up. I can’t blame the stores, it’s me who can’t keep that debit card at home. But the debt… it’s not going away, just an amount slowly decreasing in value but still with many digits. It sometimes makes me sad and gives me anxiety. Those numbers looming overhead, I know I need to pay it back and it seems to take forever! Therefore, I have been reading up on a lot of debt/financial/saving money blogs, columnists and advice as well as watching videos by money people like Dave Ramsey. I have done that several times already, but this time I am serious. Last winter I paid off the debt of two credit cards and cut them both up; then I got a little credit card so that I could still book flights but solely use it for that. It’s too bad that in Canada there is this ‘you gotta have a credit card’ idea floating around. (Can you do without one?) In the Netherlands, where I live now, hardly anyone my age has a credit card, so they also don’t have credit card debt. I no longer have credit card debt (praise the Lord!), but I do have a lot of student debt.

I started my first job when I was 14 and right away started an RESP that same year. We had immigrated from the Netherlands just before that so I couldn’t have started earlier. Four years later I graduated from High School and enrolled in college where I spent the $18,000 that I had saved in those four years. When I decided to go back to university after I worked for some time I depended on student loans and the few thousand dollars I made during the Summer months. Going to a private university out of province cost a lot! I don’t regret choosing private education and I don’t regret going out of province for my education. In fact, those were four years that shaped me and made me for who I am today, and gave me two bachelor degrees. However, that second round of post-secondary studies made me go deeper and deeper into debt; all the money I made during university were thrown right back at tuition or debt payments. It’s hard when you get paychecks and you see nothing of it. Even today, most of it goes to debt payment.

For Dutch people the debt I have is incomprehensible as most of them had a maximum debt of about 3000 to 5000 euros. (I also can’t wrap my mind around the grand number of dollars I still have to pay off... ) My payments per month are ridiculous and it makes that I live on a minimal amount of money each month. What I have meant to do for quite some time now is make a budget. I recently read a lot about budgets, including making  a Bare-Bones Budget (https://www.thesimpledollar.com/how-to-create-a-bare-bones-budget/), and I have known about the envelope system (https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/envelope-system-explained ) for a long time. So here goes - budgeting and using only cash from now on! Let’s get debt out of the way as soon as possible!

I will need to set some goals, makes some realistic decisions and do a lot of documenting to keep myself disciplined, but I need to get this weight off and be financially responsible. No more silly 3 or 10 dollar purchases, but smart choices and wise money spending. I will be needing discipline and focus.

Canada - They say there are no stupid questions.

A few questions I am often asked...

- what did you eat in Canada?

- do bears walk around?

- my cousin went to Canada last summer, did you meet them?

- do you know ....? They live in Vancouver, or in a tiny town in Manitoba?

- you must love winter?!

- did you always go skiing, snowboarding, etc?

- there is already snow there now, right? 

- is it ever not cold?

- do you think in English?

- you always eat hamburgers and french fries, right?

- you have to drive more than thirty minutes to see anyone, right?

- do you have horses?

- is your dad a cowboy?

- everyone is white there, right? So how do you feel about the multicultural population here?

- do your parents farm?

- do you ride through the Wild West and yell "yeehaw"?

- did you have potatoes there?

- does everyone have a gun behind their front door?

- why would you leave Canada, isn't it the end all, be all?!

- what do you think about Trump? (UHM... YOU KNOW HE IS NOT FROM CANADA RIGHT?! :o)

- wait, you have cell phones and WiFi there? 

- don't you measure temperature in Fahrenheit?

- did you ride in a horse and buggy?

- were your neigbours miles away?

I could go on. It's the typical. The stereotyping. Generalizing.

So often I respond with things like:

- it's never sunny in the Netherlands!

- you always wear woodenshoes!

- everyone eats kale and potatoes mashed together!

- all you eat is meat, potatoes, veggies!

- you can't go without kroketten!

- you only ever bike, there are no cars here!

- only Dutch immigrants live in Canada and they all live in a 2 mile radius!

Oh, dear people. 

One day - you should go to Canada, and see for yourself. 

Read up on it before you ask these questions.

They say there are no stupid questions. Sorry. But it's kind of funny and kind of pathetic. 

when thinking changes

When thinking changes...

I'll tell you one thing, when your thoughts change from one language to another it is involuntary. I cannot do anything about the change, I cannot make it happen and I cannot make it unhappen. Many people asked me when I first moved here if I thought in English or in Dutch - and asked when that would change. I couldn't predict when it would change and couldn't decide how fast it would change. When I was in Dutch conversations those first weeks I could feel the energy being sucked out of me, it took so much more effort to speak Dutch... I got tired after being awake for a few hours and noticed that I often stumbled over the simplest sentences and words. I noticed that I would change to English when I was tired, when I struggled to find words, or when it was a little bit of a sensitive/emotional topic. I noticed that I would change to English when I would get frustrated with situations at the bank or in the shops. I would switch to English when I had to ask for directions or a silly question that I felt would appear lame if I asked it in Dutch.

Then, suddenly, 2 weeks ago, I woke up in the morning and said my 'to-do' list for that day to myself in Dutch!

Say what?!!!

Thriftshop finds. Uncle Tom's cabin, an edition like we had in my
elementary school and Lewis Carroll's work. Two books in
languages dear to my heart.  

I know.

It shocked me too. I don't know how it happened but it seriously is kind of freaky. Now I notice myself having to think more about English, having to be more conscious and intentional about choosing English. When I read Dutch in those first weeks in the Netherlands it was very difficult and time consuming. It is fun to be able to read Dutch newspapers and get what they ware saying, read a novel in a relatively normal amount of time and mostly understand what is being said. What I really enjoy about learning or relearning Dutch is that I get to quickly advance from a 13-year-old vocabulary (that's when I moved away) and learn many difficult and less difficult new words. The difference between similar words is sometimes very small but you gotta know when to use what word and in what context. I have fantastic people around me who correct me and tell me why it was used incorrectly.

So people, within a month my thinking has completely changed from English to Dutch in day to day life. I can easily switch back to English too, and don't have to make that conscious decision. One of my co-workers, who also teaches English, addressed me in English and I immediately switched to that language.

Bilingualism is freaky, exciting, and an adventure in itself.

Meanwhile, I keep reading English and Dutch.

And, while I teach English I speak English 85% of the time. Poor grade 7s and 8s, so many of them have no clue what is going on. But they will get there, immersion is the best way to mastery!

This summer I have spent so many hours reading books.
Don't take it away from me! 

segments

view from my porch in Hamilton

July 1999, a week before my eighth birthday our family moved to Heteren.
November 2004, four months after my thirteenth birthday our branch of the van Iperen tree emigrated to Lacombe, Canada.
August 2011, seven weeks past my twentieth birthday I gathered my things and drove to Ontario to live there.
July 2017, five days after my 26th birthday I once again packed up my life and moved across the Atlantic to the Netherlands.

D-Move. flying the higher of heights...

Above you see 4 time frames of my life. They're just short segments, periods of time in different locations in the world. No place has been my home for longer than 8 years. During my undergrad I lived in places for a maximum of 8 short months. Last summer, after living downtown Hamilton for about 7 months I decided it was time to put up some picture frames... It felt too permanent to put them up, because it had been so long since I had to put pictures up... After I put the pictures up I knew I had already started thinking about the next chapter, about the possibility of moving across the world. I had been in the Netherlands in August, and it was then that I started seriously considering not only moving schools and grade level but continents... I had no idea that in June that would actually become reality - I ended my CCS career as grade school teacher. I will be starting a new chapter as teacher to the first 2 years of high school in the Netherlands - middle school in Canada... Yep. Changing chapters...

2 chapters ended quite abruptly. Teaching grade
school and teaching at Cambridge Christian.

Perhaps chapters is a better word than segments. Less disjunctive and more connected - more part of a whole story. This chapter is quite exciting, it's new and fresh but boy is there ever a lot of chaos. I can't believe how much paper work I have to organize in order to make life happen here. There was the cancellation of insurance and things in Canada before I left. I had visits with people at the bank to figure out Canadian banking, called the CRA and other businessy agencies.... If didn't know this yet, I hate paperwork, money stuff, and anything adminstration related.  (My sister asked me, just after I started teaching, why I started teaching. 'Don't you know you hate paperwork? Why would you choose a paperwork job?!' :o Her question left me somewhat dumbfounded, speechless. I had no idea. I certainly didn't pick education for the many paperworky/administrative aspects.)
Finally I had it all finalized in Canada. Including some travel insurance; well, I finalized that just hours before the plane departed - I know, I was slow with that - but at least I had travel insurance.

all the paperworky things arrived at once...

Then the whole thing started here. A new chapter, a new country, a new HUGE stack of paperwork. From banking to registering myself in the city, to figuring out how long my drivers licence will be valid (PTL I have 5.5 months left to figure that one out, it's valid 6 months you see...), to memorizing my new address and phone number. Well, I've got Dutch bank account now, am registered in the city, and even know the address I live at.. But, now to get money onto the bank account - you'd think in a time of internet banking transferring money from nation to nation would be a piece of cake. It's dry bread, team. In fact, it is next to impossible. And no one seems to know what they're talking about - they haven't a clue how to do it, and they're the people who work at the bank. Surely I am not the first who wants to make a transfer from North America to Europe....!?

99% of my university paperworky things, recycled.
happy picking, garbage person... 

How do they not know how to do something as simple as transferring money from nation to nation while I have just transferred my entire life across the pond. I am not saying that was easy, not at all, but it sure feels much more difficult that digitally moving currency from one place to the next. I had been working towards moving for months. I didn't just decide a week before the 12th of July that I would be moving then. Since April I started getting rid of stuff. Ask my roommates, they know that I was constantly adding to our 'thrift pile' and made many trips to a variety of second-hand stores.

thrift pile... 1 of 10 probably... 

 Many people enthusiastically responded to my 'ads' that I was getting rid of stuff. Minutes after I posted things that were in need of a new home the new home was volunteered. The community around me took things from me from small things like sticky notes and paper clips to large things like an entire wardrobe or much needed fan. (Life in Ontario without AC is pretty hot, so a fan is a must!) I couldn't believe how quickly things were claimed. Every time I shared new things to get rid off they were taken. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR TAKING MY STUFF! I don't want to call it junk, because it wasn't really junk, but when you need to purge, purge, purge, because you can't just store, store, store it sure feels like junk.

nope. I ain't getting a U-HAUL, but my I feel like I need it... 

Even after the many many items were brought away, I still was left with so much stuff... 

how will I ever fit all this stuff into 4 bins and 2 suitcases?

I had 2 weeks between my work at CCS wrapped up and my flight to the Netherlands. At the beginning of those two weeks I met up with a lot of friends in ON; spend time relaxing and allowed myself to just be. I ventured all over the place and was pretty busy. Suddenly there were only 5 days left and I found out I had so much to do still! But I had a wedding to go to that Saturday and another day would be lost. I celebrated my birthday on the Sunday and that was lovely. Ah, friends, you were good to me! I cherish memories of last hang-outs and many before that too... I lived those last few days in Ontario like I had been always before, just enjoying it. One friend asked me how my last Sunday was, and I said, just like every other Sunday. I am not allowing myself to think this is 'my last', that's too final.
So then Monday came. Suddenly it flooded over me and I realized I only had about, hmmm 60 hours to do it all! whaaa! I called my mom a couple of times, being overwhelmed and close to tears several times. I just needed her and she wasn't there to help me pack my stuff. Gah was I frustrated with all the things I had accumulated and how in the world would I ever get it all together. I felt like I needed a U-HAUL rather than being such an extreme minimalist. I needed to place it all in the right places (Canada storage or Netherlands suitcase) and try to make it all fit and remember where I had placed it. It was so daunting that at one point that Monday I just quit, left it the way it was and went out for coffee with a friend. Thankfully I could sleep over at my friends' place (Thanks for the hospitality Megan and Rhys!!!!) and didn't need to think about where to sleep. As you can see - the bed was not something I could sleep on!

accomplished. this is all I took to NL.

there it was. all finalized.... an empty room :(

Somehow, through the emotional chaos I called my mind and ridiculous mess I called my room, I was able to persevere. Many questions zoomed through my head. The why, how, where, and what in the world am I doing swirled through my mind many times. Especially those last two days I wondered if I made the right decision. Somehow I got it all together. Four large Rubbermaid containers are stored at friends'. Thank you Brooke and Jon! Someone took over my furniture so I could just leave that in my old room. Thank you for taking  my wardrobe at the last second and also helping out with moving it, Buist family! I hope moving it into your place was easier than moving it out of my place. 

The rest of my things was in a massive personal bag, a carry-on, and 2 suitcases.

That's it. Let it all go and just get on that plane.

There goes nothing.. There goes all. 

Starting a new chapter.... Terrifying and exhilarating.