Scars in Heaven

Grief doesn't go away. We've been without my sister for thirty-one months. It is unbelievable that more than 2.5 years have passed since she passed. A better way to say it, or how I prefer to think of it, since Lianne moved in with the Lord in His Holy Dwelling Place. Where she left this earth and now lives in her forever Home. 

This song,
Scars in Heaven was released by Casting Crowns a couple of days ago and it just hits home. Every time I hear it tears roll and joy fills my heart. 

If I'd only known the last time would be the last time....

I have few regrets about my relationship with Lianne. We fought when we were kids, we stole each other's doll or game or friend or hair-tie, we argued when we were teenagers, kicked a door or two, we laughed so hard we cried and cried so much it hurt. We learned to live in a new culture and what it means to be homesick, to have longing, and have a deep ache in our soul. We learned what it means to live in the world by doing so, and what it means to be liberated from the chains of darkness that held us down. We learned and shared together as sisters in Christ and were so encouraged to grow deeper and stronger as sisters-squared. We learned to serve, to love, to be ourselves. We were trying desperately to learn how to act justly and do love mercy and walk humbly and do so not for our name but His! We shared so many dreams and ambitions and then cancer hit, and hit hard! It hit home and it took you out. And cancer is this stupid c-word that wreaks havoc in so many lives and then there's a last time. For us it was the end of October when we got to spend a bonus week together. I cherish that last time. And at the same time I didn't want to experience it whatsoever. I remember so well, the pain of letting go, of having to say bye but not being able to. I remember feeling so broken and telling you to have courage and oh - you were so courageous! And then, I left. Let you go. I flew to Holland. A short two weeks later I flew back to Canada, as you'd gone to be with the LORD. And Lianne, it hurts still. Heartbreak is something I experienced relationship ended during my late teens. It was super hard. But the heartbreak that I've felt since you moved in with Jesus has been so much more intense and harder and surreal and painful and excruciating. There's this deep brokenness, these pieces, and honestly, it's bitter and disgusting and beautiful in the same breath.

There will be no such thing as broken - the old made new.

Never have I ever, a game we played with friends and youth groups and mingling-required-activities at church camps. But Never have I ever longed so much for the newness, for the healing of heartbreak, for the pain to be gone, for the Lord to come. Perhaps a little selfish, because I'm a little sick of the pain at times. I long for healing and the Maranatha because the old must pass away and the new must come. We're called to a denial and dying of self and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth (Eph 4:22-24). We'll be made new, the old made new. Here a little, then in full. The already but not yet, but the promise.

A smile, even as tears fall down... 

Because this happens. Simultaneously. Joy and sorrow. Deep pain and incredible freedom. I type this and tears roll and smiles form and they eb and flow together. There is no division, I can't choose what happens. Simultaneously and inseparable. Sometimes one more intense than the other, sometimes one so real and so vivid you can hardly breathe. And then it softens, and healing happens. Healing happens only due to the scars that Christ has. Healing happens through this compassionate GodMan who stood and took the blame and bore the wrath. The power of the cross! He took it all away for us, lets us cry now and hurt now but also gives warmth and healing and embrace. It hurts still, it hurts incredibly deep and stings and feels bruised and painful. But there's such a promise, knowing he holds us, but also holds my sister, holds Lianne, holds your loved one who was set free by God Himself. He holds

Only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now.

I believe that Jesus' death made Life possible. Only through Him can we live and move and have our being. And then He rose from the grave, victory over death, and knowing that we will be risen with Christ - what a promise! Then He ascended and He is still with God and that's where He intercedes for us and will meet us too! He'll walk with us and talk with us and have perfect union with His own. I once saw a picture which I just imagine Lianne does all the time in heaven, Hugging Jesus. The biggest, tightest, and best Lianne hugs. And Jesus hands hold her, and never let her go. That's why I can still smile and laugh and rejoice! There's a joyful 

Hallelujah!

Until I finally can see what you can see.

"So I am thankful for the scars, for without them I wouldn't know Your heart"(I am They) Scars that bring healing and ones we'll see when "we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be; when we all see Jesus, and sing and shout the victory!" (Redman)